New Year's Resolutions?

I have stopped making resolutions.  I know myself too well: why set myself up for for failure?  I start out with the best intentions, but somewhere along the way they always seem to get derailed.  So, with that said, I have decided that I will instead share with you a list of resolutions that I think other people would make for me.  Of course there's no guarantee that I'll do any of them; but it will give us all a litle food for thought:

• Schmoop-Dog - he wants me to resolve to finally marry him.  I broke off our engagement in 2003; yet he still introduces me as his fiancee.  This is complicated; but it won't happen this year.  Sorry Schmoopie.
• My mother - wants me to resolve that I will let her do my hair.  The one time in past memory that I let her do my hair for a big party I was to attend: she did my hair like hers.  My mother is 80.  You paint the picture!  Sorry Marie: that isn't happening either.
• My sister - wants me to dress my age.  I believe in dressing for the occasion and in what looks good on me and is comfortable.  So what if I have skater sneaks with skulls on them?  They are comfortable.  So what if I like South Pole thermals from the men's section of JC Penney?  They are comfy, trendy and they don't have them in Women's sizes.  And if I have a pair of pink Tims: that's my business and I'll wear them with all the Joe Boxer socks I want.  .  Not all of us can dress from the Garanimals section of her favorite boutique!  Sorry sister.  
• Kitty - wants me to leave my job (which pays all the bills) and get a job as a cashier at TJ Maxx so we can work together.  I'd have to work 105 hours a week to make the same money.  Love you honey and appreciate you wanting to work with mom: but we'd end up living in the car!
• Brie - wants me to resolve to use "accoutrements" since I have been celibate for 5 years, by choice.  Why does she want me to cry?  One IS the loneliest number!  So not happening (and I'm blushing)!
• Taryn - wants me to resolve to win the lottery so we can go to L.A. where she will stalk celebrities.  I've been to L.A., and as soon as I got there all the celebrities flew to the east coast.  For real!  Taryn wants to be the 7th "friend" and live Jennifer Anniston's life.  Sorry T, but your fiance would probably object to you camping out on Leonardo DiCaprio's doorstep; and I don't want to spend my lottery winnings on your bail.
• Pumpkin - wants me to resolve to quit my job and stay home so I can feed her treats and rub her belly while she licks her gums in ecstasy.  Don't ask.  Not happening.
• Luna - wants me to resolve to get rid of Pumpkin.  Again, not happening.  Luna hates everybody but she's just going to have to love her baby sister because she's not going anywhere :-)
• The Hockey Guy - wants me to stop being a distraction so he can concentrate on his job.  Don't blame me if I can make you blush!  It's fun and he's cute.

I guess those are the main resolutions others would make for me.  I'm sure there are more, but this entry can only be so long.  Oh I'm sure when tomorrow rolls around, I'll think about a resolution that has to do with my writing.  But last year I said I'd be published in 2010, and I made that happen.  http://www.bn.com/ look for "Southern Hospitality" and "Three's the Charm".  The first name is Rita :o)

BE safe tonight in whatever you do.  I'd hate to lose any of you; or have you out of commission for any reason.  Be responsible, and I'll talk to you next year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Snow Day

Officially, yesterday was my last day of vacation.  But thanks to a lovely snowstorm here in the northeast, I got an extra day off.  Since I live almost 30 miles from my office, with all the snowing and blowing I felt it was best that I stay home instead of braving the unplowed highway.

So having this extra day gave me some time to reflect on my vacation.  And out of all the plans I had, I accomplished pretty much none of them!  Sure I finished my shopping, did a little baking and hosted Christmas dinner.  But did I exercise? No.  Re-arrange my bedroom?  No.  Have my friend Lynne over for lunch?  No.  Finish my latest manuscript?  No.  Clean out my car?  No.  Nap every day?  No.  Clean out my DVR?  Nope.  I'm sure you get the pattern.

So what in the world did I do?  I had to run my sister around so she could do her errands.  Man, it sucks when we have the same vacation!  Got my hair done, and I love the new 'do. (shout out to Annette!).  I did go to the hockey game, which I love.  I kind of went off my eating plan, but the doctor and I both knew that would happen and she said it was okay for the holidays. 

But I also did have my wrapping done earlier than ever :o)  I saw my best friend since high school, David. I still owe you that poem I guess, huh?  Well as long as we're on the subject, here's my relationship with David in a nutshell:

Moonlight feels right.

You hold me tight.

Love’s real we feel.

Now what’s the deal?

You cry, I sigh.

Is this goodbye?

You’re gay?  No way!

Okay, I say.

No luck, can’t fuck.

Oh well, that sucks.

Get out! I shout.

What’s this about?

Hate you, it’s true.

What can I do?

You leave, I grieve.

Oh shit, I’m peeved.

I’ll heal, then we’ll

Be friends and deal.

Our fears and tears

Have passed with years.

No blame, no shame.

Still not the same.

It’s past, at last.

No slurs were cast.

Best friends, hearts mend.

Love you: the end.

We were kids in high school, so what can I say?  And I wouldn't have slept with him anyway, because I was a "good girl".  But I am sooo glad we were able to remain friends over the years.  And we're supposed to spend New Year's Eve together and go out.  We'll see how that all works out!

Christmastime is Here...and Gone

It really was a great Christmas...family, friends new & old, and food, food, FOOD!  Not that I ate that much, but there was a whole lot of it.  Dinner was the only meal I ate, and it was so worth waiting for.  However, we never got around to cutting Jesus's birthday cake:  a 2-layer Red Velvet cake with cream cheese frosting.  So that's for breakfast later 😀  Kitty had a piece of cheesecake, and Brie had some Sweet Potato pie but I was too full from mostly my mother's seasoned collard greens and cranberry sauce.  A weird combination to put together on my plate, but soooo good!

As far as gifts: if you felt a vibration in the earth around 9:15 a.m., it was Kitty humming because she got her limited edition collector's expensive as all get out Frozen Charlotte Living Dead doll; and the world's biggest manicure set.  Those were her favorite gifts.  Brie's was her laptop.  Mine, because I'm a freak, was my new set of pots and pans!  And also my Ed Hardy perfume: boy does it smell good! Hopefully someone that I want will come around to...enjoy the fragrance 😉

But it was an exhausting day too.  I had gone to bed at 4 a.m. Christmas Eve, then Kitty got us up at 9 to open presents.  Cooking, entertaining, laughing up a storm and enjoying the day wiped me out!  Plus we had to watch our 2 favorite Christmas staples: Emmett Otter's Jugband Christmas and my personal favorite of all time:  Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol!  No one seems to understand my love for Mr. Magoo but I just love it.

With that said: when everyone finally left around 7:30 Brie and I attempted to watch a Chris Rock special but I kept falling asleep and so did she.  Needless to say we were both in bed by 8:20.  Pumpkin was happy because she was exhausted too, poor puppy.  That's why I'm up now doing this blog: I'm pretty much done sleeping!  And of course I'm listening to jazz right now, which will be on the radio until 6 a.m.  But Brie's been in here talking to me because she got up around 3:30 too!  But I'll be kicking her out of my room soon, finish listening to the jazz and then switch to a Christmas CD.

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, as I did.  I only wish that I had taken next week off for vacation too!

Away in a Manger

It's almost 3:30 a.m.  Pumpkin has given up staring at me dolefully to get me to come to bed; so she has curled up in her snuggie to sleep.  Presents are wrapped and under the tree and in chairs.  We went to my Aunt and Uncle's for a Christmas Eve banquet: afterwards my dear friend David came to my house to visit.  Sigh...I just love him.  We fell in love in high school and are still best friends to this day.  Probably because we both know where each other's skeletons are buried!  I think I've convinced him to come up for New Year's Eve: I'll keep you posted.  There's a poem about him, but I'll share that with you later since I'm too sleepy now.

I want to share one of my favorite Christmas memories with you, since my girls and I have been reminiscing all day.  Kitty is brilliant; spiritual, and a true artist.  She sees art all around her, and creates some great pieces.  I want to tell you about one of her art "installations".

This happened maybe 5 or 6 years ago.  Kitty decided that we needed to set up a nativity scene.  I told her I didn't have the money to go out and buy one.  Undaunted, she declared that she was going to make one.  I said, "Have at it" and went into my room to read, figuring that she was just blowing smoke.  After all, we had no figurines, clay or baby dolls that she could use.

To my surprise, an hour or so later she knocked on my door (that was a Christmas miracle in and of itself) and announced that the nativity scene was ready.  Puzzled, I stepped out of my room and stopped in the archway between the hallway and the living room.  There on my long dresser,was her nativity scene that she had created using her stuffed animals!  She had 3 tri-colored bears for wise men, beenie babies for barn animals, brown teddy bears for shepherds, and 2 large rabbits for Mary and Joseph with a little bunny in a small toy cradle for the baby Jesus.  She used ponytail holders to secure the adult "hands" into a prayerful position!  I was so delighted with her creativity that I had to laugh out loud and take a photo for posterity (otherwise known as to send to her sister who had moved to the west coast).

I never should have doubted Kitty's ingenuity.  Anything that she has set out to do: she has done.  She never lets a little thing, like her autism, get in her way. She is amazing 😊

So that's it.  I am exhausted, but looking forward to the morning which is close at hand.  I have some jazz on (Christmas jazz, the jury's still out on how I feel about that).  The girls and I dressed in new jammies; and will have Schmoop-dog take a picture when he comes over to exchange presents.  Then he has to go home.  Sorry Schmoopie!

In closing, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.  And good morning!  Remember we are celebrating Jesus's birthday, not yours.  It's not about the presents: but the presence. 


Amen!

Christmas Stay-cation

Everyone knows that one of the best things about being on a "stay-cation" is being able to stay up late and sleep in.  Watching Christmas specials, catching up with old friends, writing a blog, pretending to wrap presents: these are the things you stay up doing.

But here's the downside: what if you're not allowed to sleep in, because since you're on vacation people think you are there to hang out with them and do their bidding?  This what I've been encountering.

Each morning, starting on Sunday, the phone has awakened me.  I was out late Saturday night, so my mother called me Sunday morning to take her to church.  Monday morning my sister called because she wanted me to take her shopping; after I'd sat up trying to stay awake for the lunar eclipse.  Tuesday morning she called again so she could "finish up" her shopping.  This morning Schmoop-dog called to see if I was going to visit his sister and her kids on Thursday.  I can hardly wait to see who calls me tomorrow!

Perhaps the logical thing to do would be to either a) go to bed earlier; or b) turn off my ringer.  But ever since the year my father got sick and died, I never have my ringer off.  And going to bed early defeats the fun of being on vacation!  And before you even say it: telling people not to call doesn't stop them from doing so.  Then they just send a text because it's "less invasive".  Are you kidding me??

Nope, the thing I have to do is just not complain.  It's the holiday season and there's no time to be cranky, no matter how sleep-deprived I am.  However, I think I might at least turn the ringer down.  Who knows: that just might help!

Full Moon

Last night (this morning) was the total lunar eclipse, which started at 1:15 a.m. eastern time and ended approximately at 4 a.m.  I stayed up until 1:05 and then fell asleep!  Who knows when the next one will be?  Ugh!

But since it was a nice full moon last night, it reminds me of a story from a long time ago, when I was a front desk clerk at a local hotel.  I was working one evening when my cousin came in to visit, sitting in the lobby across from the check-in desk.  It was a slow evening, and presently I asked her if she'd keep an eye on the front desk while I used the rest room.   When I came back, there were 2 young men waiting at the desk for me, and they were cute. 

So I immediately went back behind the desk to check them in, being a little cute and flirty and they were mesmerized.  Blinded by my science, if you will.  They were smiling and hanging over the desk, and I just knew they were totally responding to my feminine charms.   When I handed them the keys, one of them said, "Hope to see more of you later."  "Definitely!" I responded coyly, batting my eyelashes at them.

It wasn't until they walked away that I noticed my cousin laughing from her seat.  "What's so funny? I asked.

Gasping for breath, she said, "Put your hand behind you."

I did, and to my horror, I discovered that when I had gone to the ladies' room, I had accidentally tucked my skirt into my underwear!  That was why the men had been just about hanging over the desk; and why they'd 'hoped to see more of me later'.  "Why didn't you say anything?" I asked, mortified.

"I didn't want to embarrass you."

Oy vey: thanks for nothing cuz!

And that's my "full moon" story :o)

So Far, So Good

So far my vacation is going well.  When we left off, I was getting ready to go to the hockey game.  The Phantoms won, whoo hoo!  It was a great game and I got my blue cotton candy :o)  I also got to see the cute PR guy, which was a plus too, haha!  But I digress...

Anyhoo, after the game Brie and I came back home to get ready to go out to our 2 favorite venues: JP Bruno's and then the Spotlight.  Funk Evolution was playing at Bruno's (shout to Perry!) and my friend Chris really came out of his comfort zone behind the trumpet to take lead vocals on "Beautiful Girls" by B.o.B.  If he didn't have any groupies before, I bet he does now!

We listened to a set and a half of the band; and I also got my hugs in from Perry.  He's the owner and my baby brother's best friend.  His other club is Good Times; and you always have a good time at Good Times!  More about that venue when I get back to you about my story featuring "Sky"...

We went down the street and around the corner to the Spotlight afterwards to visit Vinnie and listen to some dance music.  I also got my hugs in from Vinnie.  Unfortunately, he was a little sad that night so his hugs weren't quite up to par. That meant Perry won that particular contest :o) but we'll see what happens next time!

Even though I didn't get to bed until like 3:30, I was still a good girl and got up for church.  Before I went I put a lovely little pot roast in the crock pot because my "daughter" Jen was coming over.  She's pregnant and I knew she'd be hungry since she's due in February.  So it was an afternoon of football, food and to wind up the night:  WWE pay-per-view Wrestling!!!!

Well it might not be anyone else's idea of a great start of a vacation week: it was wonderful to me.  Of course I have some cleaning to do for Christmas, and I really need to re-arrange my room and do some baking; and I don't even want to THINK about the mountain of wrapping I have waiting for me.  I certainly don't want todo what I do every single year, which is to wait until Christmas Eve when the girls are asleep and wrap EVERYTHING then.  Usually I fall asleep and wake up around 2, and then wrap until around 5, and it sucks because I'm sleepy and every year I vow I'll do it early but I never do. However this year I swear I am going to do it early.

Now I'm going to work on my new novel and wait for the lunar eclipse to start.  Eastern time it begins at 1:15 a.m.  Maybe if I set my alarm, I can just roll over and watch it out of the window.  Here's hoping!

A "Mart" by Any Other Name

Finally, my Christmas vacation is here!  It started yesterday at 4:15 p.m.  The day should have crawled, but I was so busy making sure I didn't leave any loose ends, that it flew by.

So since I was on vacation, the first thing I had to do was GO TO WAL-MART.  Kitty needed a gift for a party she was going to, but of course just going to Hallmark where they will even WRAP your gift wasn't good enough.  And even though she had already done her Christmas shopping, Brie decided to go to.

We swore that we were just getting the gift and maybe a couple of other items.  But you know what happened: we went in, got a cart, and the fugue state set in.  By the time the cashier finished ringing us up, Kitty's came to $39 and mine was $86!  Sure this was the cheapest we'd come out with, but still: it only would have come to $10 if we'd gone to Hallmark!

But that's not even the worst part:  I had to drop Kitty off at her party at 10:30 (an after work party) and she said she'd call me when I should pick her up.  So instead of just sitting in the parking lot for a couple of hours, I decided to visit the local K-Mart which was a couple of miles down the road, to kill some time.

I hadn't been to K-Mart in months because it's kind of out of the way and the prices are sometimes more than I want to pay.  But now that it's Christmas-time: let the sales begin!  Joe Boxer jammies: 50%!  Holiday socks: $.99!  3-in-1 gloves: $1.00!  Joe Boxer thermals: 50% off!  Need I go on?  I did Christmas shopping that I didn't even know I had to do! 

In all honesty I was only going to look for some new Christmas CDs and some some chili-flavored ramen noodles (or hot-ass oodie of noodie, as Brie calls it).  I got what I came for, and a lot more!

I had set a cap on what I wanted to spend, but I went waaaayyy over.  I had the money, but I figured I might need some to tide me over until next payday!  So reluctantly I put a few items back, even though it still came to $118!  Seriously!

I guess during holiday season: K-Mart is the new Wal-Mart.  I just thank God the girls weren't with me!

Now I must get myself ready for the hockey game (shout out to the Phantoms!).  Not only will I enjoy the game whether they win or lose, but I'll have some cotton candy too :o)  And also see my favorite PR guy.  Hope he'll be at JP Bruno's later ;-) 

Yay Me!

I am proud to announce that I have sold my first copy of my second novelette, entitled "Three's the Charm", on  http://www.bn.com/ .  It might not sound like much to you, but for me it sounds like success!  After wanting to be a published author since the 3rd grade, I can now say that I have 2 published books under my belt :o)

That isn't to say that I'm going to be able to retire soon, but it's nice to have even gotten this far.  It was well past time for me to take control of my own writing career.  After all, no one is going to care as much about getting me published as I am, so my career is in good hands!

In case you were wondering, neither book has any poetry in it.  They are semi-autobiographical rom/com stories, or "chick lit".  That doesn't mean men can't read them.  I'm happy with whoever is curious enough to read the brief description; then purchase and download it onto either their Nook or their computer.

I am hoping that within the 1st quarter of 2011 I'll be able to put a full-length novel up there, to see how it does.  i have high hopes for my writing career.  Finally!

So please feel free to go to the website and take a look.  And if you do buy and read one of my books, let me know what you think!

Goodnight. One more work day and then vacation. Whoo hoo!

You May Have Noticed

You might have noticed that I put poetry up here occasionally.  It's not always just to "showcase my talent", haha. Sometimes it's because I have so much going through my head, that instead of writing it all down and sorting through it, I'll write a poem.

I had thought that I'd write about my friend "Sky" tonight, because there is a very funny story associated with him.  But sometimes it's hard to dwell on him because our friendship has...taken a different course.  And this kind of breaks my heart.  So instead of the story, here's another poem!

Don't worry about tomorrow,
It's well within my sight.
I don't want your pity,
Just love me for tonight...
I know that you don't love me.
Baby that's all right.
I will take a memory
Just love me for tonight.
Not looking for a promise,
I'll try with all my might
To walk away unscathed
So love me for tonight...
No regrets to linger;
Dawn's coming after night.
Whispering "I need you."
Just love me for tonight.
Slowly I roll over;
The sun's now shinig bright.
Only your scent remains:
You loved me for one night.

Love you Sky...

All I Want For Christmas...

...is a set of salt and pepper shakers: Chris Botti and Prince.

If you don't know, Chris Botti is a jazz trumpeter and a little bit of male perfection.  He's blond, Italian, and devastatingly good-looking, even though usually I don't go for blonds.  He's in incredible shape too.  Such a talented musician (you know how I love jazz and brass) and oh so sweet.  A few years ago he was involved with Katie Couric but she broke up with him because he was on the road too much.  Excuse me? I would have sat my ass right at home waiting for him; or else traveled with him.  Katie is apparently not as smart as she wants us to think she is!

I actually met Chris Botti once after one of his concerts maybe...3 or 4 summers ago at SPAC.  I had taken Kitty to her first concert: Chris was the opening act for Earth Wind & Fire, one of her favorite groups.  When Chris was done playing they were having a meet and greet, and you know I wanted to meet him.  So I stood in line and as we got closer, he seemed to get smaller.  Turns out this man, this piece of aesthetic perfection, is small-boned and about 5'8" if I'm being generous.  I, on the other hand, am a giant (according to Brie) and that night I had on heels so I was 6'2".  Apparently he isn't into Amazonian women (what a disappointment!), but he did autograph my CD.

I have never had the pleasure of meeting His Royal Purple Highness, but he is sure easy on the eyes.  Sure he's been controversial, and shockingly sexual, over the course of his career.  But I think now he is more comfortable with himself, his fame and the way his life has turned out.  Now he is able to exude more natural charisma, charm and a pretty good sense of humor.  If you saw him on the View last Thursday, you know what I'm talking about! 

I think the turning point for him was when his baby died several years ago.  Losing a child will either put you on the path of enlightenment: or destroy you.  Thank God for him it was the former...

And even though he's another short and fine-boned man, I'm sure he could put on a pair of heels that could put him in my ballpark ;-p  That man is so incredibly sexy, and compact, and what a dancer!  Good grief, I think I'm catching a case of the vapors!  At times he has been too sexy, but that might be because I'm a prude (thanks for the moniker Brie and Christine!).  However, I think at least dinner and dessert could be a good starting point...

Anyhoo Santa, if you're reading this, my list is short and sweet: just a set of "salt & pepper" shakers for someone who has been very good this year.  Honest!

You Won't Believe This

I can't even believe it, but I am actually watching Lifetime.  I never watch Lifetime because it always seems to be the same actresses playing the same victims in the same scenarios.  They are tear-jerkers and who wants to cry over some weepy plot?  But tonight's movie is "Sundays at Tiffany's" with Alyssa Milano.

This is what sucked me in:  first of all, I love Alyssa Milano.  She's one of the most beautiful women in the world to me, and she seems like such a great person.  Granted, she'll never win an Oscar (unless she gets a part in one of my book-turned-movie adaptations, haha) but she gets the job done with whatever role she has.  Second: today is a rainy, gloomy day and I was in need of some comfort.  What's better than watching a love story where you can see the ending coming a mile away; and gives you hope in finding love yourself?  Especially when the male lead is as dreamy as whoever this actor is?

Maybe that's why I enjoy writing so much.  It gives me the chance to find my own happily-ever-after time and time again.  It gives me a chance to experience romance, love and to find the perfect guy for me.  Now, if only I could find that in real life!  But honestly: I'm not looking.  I'm going to be content with letting God find my Mr. Right and presenting him to me with a big shiny bow wrapped around him.  But in the meantime, here's a little poem for you:

I watch you while you sleep,

Lashes brushing your cheeks:

Moments in love.

I trace the curve of your face,

I can feel my pulse race:

Moments in love.

My fingers run through your hair,

Silky, wild and fair:

Moments in love.

I snuggle up with a purr,

And feel your body stir:

Moments in love.

You reach for me and I’m ready.

Our breathing becomes unsteady:

Moments in love.

Your hands caress my soft skin,

Finally you enter in:

Moments in love.

Holding each other tight,

Our climaxes in sight:

Moments in love.

Afterward, holding each other.

I’ll never love another:

Moments in love.

~*~

Blue Christmas

Now that we are in the height of the Christmas season, I'm going to share one of my favorite Christmas memories from when my daughters were young. 

My little family loves the Christmas season.  Besides celebrating what we call the birthday of Jesus, there are all of the traditional festivities: baking, shopping and decorating.  I always bought a live Christmas tree: I would put on the lights and the girls would do the rest.  When I would turn on the lights for the first time, Kitty would do her traditional dance around the tree.  That sight was always priceless! 

I’ve never really liked peppermint candy canes, so it became my mission each year to find different flavored candy canes.  I wasn’t going to eat them, but the kids liked to taste the new ones, and eagerly await the time when they could eat them all!

Brie was fourteen when I discovered blue raspberry candy canes, and they instantly became her favorite.  They were a pretty shade of blue with a dark blue stripe, and must have been yummy judging by how often she kept sneaking them off of the tree, and I’d have to buy more.

It was a week before Christmas and Friday night around eleven p.m.  My mother wanted to go to the supermarket, but Robin didn’t feel like taking her.  They called my house and asked if I’d take mom while Robin stayed with the kids.  I said sure; but since Kitty was already asleep Brie wanted to go to the store with us.  So the three of us piled in the car while my sister probably switched the television to MTV, the banned channel in my house!

Brie had brought a couple of candy canes with her, and was happily eating them in the back seat.  My mother finally asked, “Brie, what are you eating back there?”

“Blue raspberry candy canes grammy.”

“That sounds good.  Can I have a piece?”

“Sure.”  She broke off a piece and passed it to her grandmother.

“Mmm, that is delicious!  Can I have another piece?”

“Sure grammy.”

“Honey you are so generous.  I’m going to buy you something at Price Chopper.”

At this point Brie and I started to giggle.  Brie wasn’t so much generous, as devious: she hadn’t told her grandmother that the candy canes turned your mouth blue!  We pulled into the parking lot.

“Ready to go in?” my mother asked.

“Let me show you something first.”  I pulled down her mirrored visor and told her to open her mouth.

When she did, she screamed and we burst out laughing.  “What happened to my mouth?”   Her tongue was blue, her teeth were blue, and it was the funniest thing Brie and I had seen in a long time!

“Grammy, the candy canes turn your mouth blue!” Brie chortled. 

“You two are evil!” my mother said, rubbing at her mouth with a Kleenex, to no avail.   “You should have warned me!”

“And miss this?  Not on your life!” I laughed.

It was the quietest trip through the store, because my mother wouldn’t open her mouth.  And to this day, she NEVER asks us for a taste of a candy cane!

Before Christmas arrives, I'll share a couple of other Christmas memories with you.  Tis the season!

Nicotine Courage

Huddled on the quiet porch, her hood over her head,
Dragging on the cancer stick and wishing she was dead.
Knowing what she has to do she takes another drag;
But this time to her chagrin she feels her courage lag.
Packing up to leave this place won't be an easy task,
Gazing upwards to the stars she knows she has to ask:
"God how can I break their hearts?"  She sadly flicks the ash.
Maybe she should think some more and not do something rash.
She sees a lonely car drive by and knows it's time to leave.
Stubbing out her cigarette she slowly starts to grieve.
Before she goes back in the house she pauses at the door,
And then she sits back down again to think, and smoke one more...

It's Just too Cold

When I got up this morning, it was 17 degrees.  When I left work this afternoon, it was 22 degrees.  Right now it is 11 degrees, and I have to leave in 10 minutes to go pick up Kitty at work.  Can you understand why I don't want to go out??

But the weird thing is, right now I am in my room, just wearing sweats, and my window is open approximately 3 inches yet I'm not cold.  The girls have the heat on at night, and with my window open I still wake up sweating.  What is wrong with that picture?  The girls sleep in sweats and I sleep in a t shirt.  I know Pumpkin isn't generating that much body heat!  Sometimes I even have to turn on the fan.

So when I get ready for work, I am very warm and don't feel like dressing appropriately, then I get outside and have to get into my car with the leather seats and then I'm cold!  Oy vey; it's not even the middle of December yet!  Is this what I have to look forward to for the next 4 and 1/2 months??  The only good thing about this cold weather is I can leave my bottle of water in the car overnight and it's icy cold and refreshing in the morning.  Or just ice...either wa,y by the time I get to work I can usually start drinking it :o)

Of course this cold weather would be more bearable if I had someone besides Pumpkin to cuddle with.  Perhaps that is what I will ask for from Santa.  Tis the season, right??

I'm tired and have to go get Kitty.  I couldn't bribe Brie to go.  Stay warm, and I'll be cheerier tomorrow.  And warmer.  And less sleepy.  Zzzzzzzz.....

SLEEP WITHOUT DREAMS

I want to sleep without dreams of you:

Sunshine, blue skies, morning dew.

I want to dream about other men as

Lovers, a husband or loyal friend.

I need to finally let you go.

You’ll never love me: this I know.

You tried to do your very best,

Now I’ll put the past to rest.

I’m going to sleep without dreams of you

As the knife on veins slices through.

The river of red flows without end:

No more dreams of you, my friend.

~*~

P.S.  Rest in peace Elizabeth Edwards...you were classy and gracious until the end.

Blue Mood

I haven't been feeling exactly 100% lately, so that might be one of the reasons why I'm feeling kind of blue.  My emotions are running kind of close to the surface, which is another reason why I'm a little funky.

A weird thing happened at Price Chopper today.  Kitty and I had gone to the deli counter to purchase cold cuts (Boar's Head is expensive but it's awesome!) and there was a lady ahead of us with her daughter in the cart.  The little girl was maybe 14 months old or so, dressed in silver slippers, pink socks, white fuzzy pajamas with pink amd blue polka dots and she had a pacifier in her mouth.  She was adorable!  Kitty mentioned how cute she was and the mother smiled and asked her little girl if she could say hi to the nice ladies.  She looked at us for a moment, then gave one of those heart-melting smiles around her pacifier and said "hi".

Kitty remarked again how cute the child was and then went to place her order with the clerk.  But I stayed back and watched the mother and child for another moment.  I noticed the love between the two of them, and I also noticed the beautiful diamond engagement ring and wedding band.  Of course these two "belonged" to someone who loved them.  I noticed the fresh fruits and veggies in their cart and the other healthy foods.

And then a wave of melancholy washed over me; because it seems like that had never been me.  I have 2 beautiful daughters, but I raised them alone.  I have no beautiful diamond ring set and none on the horizon.  And I can't buy all of the fresh fruits and veggies I want unless i budget very carefully...

Also, I would have loved to have more children.  Between Brie and Kitty, I lost a baby.  And after I left my husband, there was only 1 person that I would have loved to marry and have a baby with, but that didn't work out.  Then some necessary surgery took the choice of having any more children away from me.

But now that I've had my pity party, I'm feeling better.  As Kitty says: Pumpkin is my "baby".  As a matter of fact, my "baby" is laying on  my bed right now, with one eye open, trying to tell me telepathically that it's time for bed.  I think she's right.

So goodnight for now; and maybe tomorrow I'll grace you with another poem.  Hopefully that thought doesn't frighten you too much :-)

Party Time!

I was really looking forward to my company Christmas party this year. After 3 years my best friend David was going to go with me so I'd have someone to slow dance with if I wanted to.  There was a chance to win awesome door prizes like an Xbox 236, a Kinect, and the grand prize of an IPad!  I had a great outfit; and I personally had scored one of the hottest djs in the area (shout out to Andy Pratt!).  But then on Friday night I got a text from David: he was sick and couldn't come.

I could have done what I normally would do: which is be upset and let it ruin my mood and the party for me.  But this time I tried a new attitude: so what if I didn't get a slow dance?  It was my company party, Brie was going with me and I'd be at a table full of my friends.  I had a fabulous outfit, the location was awesome (shout out to the Gideon!), the food would be delicious and I'd party like it was 1999!

So that's exactly what I did!  With my new attitude I even changed up my eye make up and lipstick, my hairdresser had done a great job on my hair (shout out to Annette!), I was wearing sequins and glitter :o) and silver high heeled sandals.  And it was the best company party we'd had in years!

So what if I didn't slow dance?  So what if I didn't win a door prize?  I don't remember laughing that much or dancing that much in a long time. The photo that they take at the party:  I loved it!  Both Brie and I looked beautiful.   And they even had chocolate mousse in edible dark chocolate cups for dessert!  What could have been better than that??  Plus:  even though I didn't get to sleep until after 2 a.m., I still got up for church this morning.  Praise the Lord!

So David: I'm sorry you were sick.  But I had such a great time this year: you're not going to be invited next year!  I can do fine all by myself :-)

Goodnight!

Attention Wal-Mart Shopper

What is it about Wal-Mart?  People pretend they don't like it, or that it's beneath them to go there.  However: I LOVE it there!  The prices are good, there's a nice variety of items and you can find a lot of items that other stores don't carry.

But here's the downside, at least in my family: when we enter our local supercenter, something comes over us.  It's like we enter into a fugue state; and the next thing we know we are exiting the store with a couple of hundred dollars worth of stuff (at least) and we have no recollection of buying it!

Let's take tonight for instance.  Kitty and I went to dinner at her favorite restaurant (shout out to Monty at the Chinatown Buffet!) and we were supposed to go home and wait for Brie to get off of work so we could go to Wal-Mart together.  Since we were already up that way the two of us decided to just go to the store.  I only needed to get some Oil of Olay cloths and a black tee shirt to wear to Vinnie's club next time I go (shout out to the Spotlight!).  Kitty just needed a couple of Christmas "gifts" for Pumpkin.

But once in the store, that fugue state set in.  Right inside the door was a sale on Ocean Spray drinks.  I needed an Ocean Spray drink!  We got to the pet aisle.  Hey: the pets need to try new food!  Kitty got a couple of outfits for Pumpkin.  Hey: Pumpkin needs a Christmas stocking!  And some toys!  We head past the bed and bath section: a new blanket for Kitty!  The fabric aisle: fabric for winter clothes for the Living Dead dolls!  Tee shirts for me!  Pudding for Kitty!  Socks to stay home in!  Toe socks, magic gloves, a birthday present for Schmoop-dog and a Star magazine (everything in it is true!).

By the time we checked out, we couldn't believe what was in the cart and what the cashier had told each of us to pay.  Thank goodness it was payday, but still!  Then on the way home I was having buyer's remorse.  So in my driveway I looked over my receipt, but you know what? I did need all those things!  Especially some items that I'm going to use for stocking stuffers.

So I guess it wasn't a wasted trip.  And it wasn't wasted money.  But I sure wish I could be more cognizant while I'm going through that store; and it happens every time!

And yes Brie was upset when she realized we had gone without her.  But when she saw how much we had spent, she was glad she'd avoided her own "fugue state".  :o)

"My" Dog

My youngest daughter has a 1-year-old dog.  Her name is Pumpkin.  She is a long-haired Chihuahua and she is gorgeous.  She also isn't a typical Chihuahua: no nervous peeing, yipping or yapping or nipping.  She is a tawny color with white, she is registered and her parents are both champions.  She's  smart, loving and very social.  And I love her to distraction: all 5 pounds of her.

Although she is Kitty's dog, Pumpkin sleeps with me.  This started shortly after we got her because one night one of the cats attacked her.  We are a family of less-than tiny people; and both girls said she couldn't sleep with them because they might roll over on her; plus they slept too soundly to get up to let her out.  So she slept with me that night, and she's been there ever since.  I guess I must sleep in one spot and don't mind being awakened.  Seriously??

Pumpkin loves her family and even Luna, the cat who attacked her, likes her.  When we come home from work she greets us at the door with a sqeaky toy and wags her tail so hard her entire back end wiggles and she hits herself in the face with her tail.  When she wakes up in the morning she's wagging her tail and comes up to the head of the bed to see if I'm awake and will give her a belly rub.  When we get on the floor she climbs all over us playing and happy that we're on her level. Right now she is on the bed staring at me, making little whimpering noises because it's time for "schnoozy" and I'm not in bed yet.  Yep: I love that little girl!

But I think I might love her too much.  Sometimes I think about how empty my life would be without her.  One night I even had a dream in which I was holding Pumpkin and we walked into this room.  Sitting in the room was my good friend Matt, and next to him was my father.  I was very happy to see them; and I placed Pumpkin in Matt's lap.

The thing about the dream is my father died in 2004; and at the time of the dream I thought Matt was dead.  So to me this dream symbolized Pumpkin dying...and I was traumatized when I woke up.

Of course Matt is alive; and I dream about my father rather frequently.  So I guess the dream really meant that I love Pumpkin, and I wanted 2 people that I also love to meet her.

This dog has invaded my house, my bed and my dreams.  Does that mean she's Kitty's dog?  All signs are pointing to no.  So it looks like I have a dog after all!

I Feel Like a Poem Tonight

She enters her room and closes the door
Then quietly sits on the bed.
Staring blankly into space
She raises a hand to her head.
Where's the girl she used to be?
The charmer of all men?
The bonafide life of the party
With a plethora of friends?
The telephone no longer rings,
No one comes by or calls.
Pushing her hair out of her face
To her lap her hand now falls.
In her mind she thinks back
To when life was full and fun.
Long ago and far away
Now it seems her life is done.
Her looks have faded, hair is gray,
The kids are grown and gone.
Everyone's forgotten her:
She's older and alone.
The man she knew and thought would stay
She hasn't seen in years.
She gave her all to no avail:
Her eyes release her tears.
Why did eveyone leave her?
She lies down on the bed.
Guess she's no good anymore,
She might as well be dead.
She reaches for the vial of pills
It empties into her hand.
She takes a drink and swallows deep
To reach the Promised Land.
Her eyes are closing and she feels
A warm light on her face.
Then quietly, with no fanfare
She leaves the human race.
Who will miss this lonely soul?
Neither you nor I.
Looks like that's the reason why
This woman chose to die...
Could there be a different end?
That's our choice to make.
Please reach out to others so
This choice they do not take.

The holidays are the loneliest and most depressing time of the year for many people.  Please take a moment to reach out to someone and let them know that they aren't alone; and that someone is thinking about them.  Hey, you never know if this poem could be about you or someone you know someday.

Goodnight.  I'll be more upbeat next time.

I Can Sleep When I'm Dead

We all hear people say this but you know what: I don't want to sleep when I'm dead, I want to sleep NOW.  I am exhausted!  Not just because it was a holiday week and I was doing a lot and went out the night before Thanksgiving (and had a blast, by the way).  No, I'm more exhausted because I got virtually no sleep last night and had weird dreams that kept waking me up.  Like I had a dream that there was a dragon in my basement, and when a friend and I went down there the dragon came out of hiding and blew fire at us as we raced back up the stairs.  There is no basement here...

Then I had another dream where I was moving a couple of boxes, and I saw where there was a hole in the wall near the floor.  So of course all I could think about was that something had chewed a hole and was going to come through there.  I moved a box back in front of the hole; and then I realized if the thing could chew through the wall, chances are it could chew through a cardboard box.  Even in my dream I knew I was screwed...

Then when I was trying to fall back asleep, I felt like I was falling so I kept waking up.  This game got old around 7 a.m. so I turned on the TV, like that was going to help.  I figured that maybe since I was so tired I would get an excused absence from church; but when I called my mother she said she wanted to go so I got up.  No rest for the weary!

But it was good for me to go to church.  I managed to catch a nap this afternoon while I pretended to watch the Falcons game (I know we're on the east coast, but dear Lord can we please get a Raiders game once in a while???).  So right now I am still pretty coherent, but my butt will be in my bed by 9 p.m.  Only half an hour to go!

And guess what?  My Christmas tree is up and decorated!  It looks so lovely: I am very pleased.  So I have a good long while to look at it and enjoy it :o)

Goodnight...hopefully there won't be any "falling" tonight!

This is Not a Paid Advertisement

November hasn't been the greatest month for me, so imagine how thrilled I was when Schmoop-dog gave me a $100 gift certificate for spa services for my birthday.  Earlier this week I had decided that while everyone else was killing themselves with black Friday shopping, I would be enjoying an hour-long Swedish Massage.

I went to my favorite spa, Body Relief, up on Route 9 in the Mount Royal Plaza.  There are two masseuses that I really like there, Stephen and Heather (they are awesome!).  Stephen was on vacation this week so Heather was the lucky one today :-)

I'm not going to get into the absolute splendor of the massage: how relaxing and heavenly the soothing music and lavender oil were in taking me away to a calm, peaceful place that was exactly what the doctor ordered...

Nope: I'm going to tell you how my magical euphoria lasted all of 15 minutes: or until I had gotten in my car and was driving home.  I made the mistake of turning on my cell phone; and 5 minutes later my oldest daughter called to complain about the "unfair" treatment she gets in comparison to her younger sister.  While she's on the line her sister buzzes in with her own version of the events that had unfolded while I had been enjoying my spa retreat.  Apparently it all stemmed from Kitty asking to borrow money and receiving it, while her sister did NOT ask and therefore did NOT get any money.  Confused?  EXACTLY!  My daughters are certainly old enough to a) solve their own differences; b) open their mouths to ask for something if they want it; and c) BE SMART ENOUGH TO HANDLE THEIR FINANCES BETTER BECAUSE THEY BOTH HAVE JOBS!

I mean seriously?  It's a good thing there's still $35 left on my gift certificate because when payday rolls around: they are both going to give me enough for another 1-hour massage.  Hey: they owe me for blowing my high with their foolishness.  And they'd better give me enough for the tip, too.  I give them at least 20% and trust me: it's woth it!

Body Relief Spa: tell them Rita sent you!

My Favorite Thanksgiving Memory

I am so stuffed!  What a great Thanksgiving dinner we had: a lot of great food and family to share it.  Unfortunately I kept falling asleep during the after-dinner video viewing, and my family kept waking me up!  But love them anyway😊

So I promised you my favorite Thanksgiving memory tonight; and I'll be as succinct as possible because I am sooo ready for bed...

It was either 2006 or 2007.  My oldest daughter Brie was living on the west coast, so only my youngest daughter Kitty was home.  As usual, we went over to my mother's house for dinner.  Brie had wanted me to call her when we were having dinner so she could say hi to everyone: her grandmother, my sister and brother and Kitty.

I had put my cell phone in the middle of the kitchen table while we were eating and Brie called.  We had some conversation on speaker phone, and then she asked what we were having because she was nostalgic about my mother's cooking.  I said, "Turkey, stuffing, ham, collard greens, crescent rolls, mashed potatoes, etc. and extra gizzards."   At this point she said, "Gizzards?  What are those?"  I replied, "they're part of the giblets, that are in the little paper bag in the turkey."  To this Brie said, "In the bag?  Are they turkey balls?"  "No they're not turkey balls!" I exclaimed.  At this point, without missing a beat, Kitty said, "I know what balls are."  Then, in a stage whisper that could be heard in the next room, she added, "Scro-tum."

My brother had to get up and leave the room as my sister spit out her food laughing.  Brie was rolling on the other end of the phone and my mother broke out of her reverie to say, "What did she say? What are you talking about?"  I was laughing so hard I couldn't tell her.  And Kitty calmly resumed eating.

Oh, if only you could have been there.  To this day, if anyone mentions the word gizzard someone will pipe up "Scrotum!" and we still laugh like hyenas.

That's one of the stories I like the best.  I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving and were able to share some fun stories as well.  And now when Kitty comes out with one of her outrageous remarks, Brie is home to hear them!

Thanksgiving Eve

I was thinking about making tonight my Thanksgiving post, but now I don't have time.  I have to get ready to go out with my daughter to JP Bruno's to see one of our favorite bands, Funk Evolution.  The trumpet player works with me and I believe in supporting people I know (remember my loyalty description in my profile?). Also, the owner of Bruno's is my baby brother's best friend; and really easy on the eyes ;-) (Hi Perry!).

Anyhoo it's cold and windy out but I will go out for one set.  The band really does rock; and I love a really tight horn section.  Granted, I am tired and not looking forward to putting on eye makeup and vraving the wind, but it's the biggest party night of the year so I guess I should do it.  Besides, it's a 4-day weekend for me so I know I can catch up on my sleep later.

With that said, I have to go change my clothes.  Who knows?  I could meet someone interesting...rich and good-looking!

I'll give you my Thanksgiving blog tomorrow.  Now you have something to look forward to besides a belly full of turkey!

Toodles!

Old Friends

It was a really long day at work today.  I had made plans with my best friend from college to meet at Friendly's at 6, but during the course of the day I was really feeling like I wanted to cancel.  It's 2 days before Thanksgiving and I have a lot to do; plus I've been sleep deprived all week.  But I met her anyway; with my oldest daughter in tow as she'd had a bad day.

But once I got there, I realized how good it was to see her.  She is the one who is always there, listens to me crab, has known me for over 30 years, and still likes me as a person!  Lynne knows the secrets, and where some of the bodies are buried ;-)  She makes me laugh, gives me encouragement, and puts up with my moods and crankiness.  Only someone who really knows how to be a friend can keep a friendship going this long.

She's an awesome mother, a great wife, and I am honored to call her my friend.  So hats off to you Lynne: my dear friend who never lets me down.  You look like a million bucks, while I ate a million calories in that Forbidden Chocolate Brownie Hot Fudge Sundae.  I promise to keep my envy to a minimum :o)

Love you my friend!

Goodnight

Part I

My sister took me to see Harry Potter: the Deathly Hallows Part I.  This was the first Potter movie I've seen at the theatre.  I haven't read any of the books, and I didn't see the other movies in order.  So granted: there were some parts where I was lost, but for the most part I knew what was going on.  What did I think:  let's just say that I can't wait for Part II in July...

As I was watching the movie (don't worry: no spoilers here) I realized that Voldemort looks like Randy Orton.  He's a WWE wrestler and I only brought it up because wrestling is on right now and I'm kind of watching it as I type.  I am also noticing that when they announce the wrestlers, there are some that weigh less than I do.  What kind of crap is that?  Hmm, I think that maybe they are just little men.  I'm sure it has nothing to do with me being a giant, as my oldest daughter says.  She's so annoying.  According to her, I'm 6 feet tall. Perhaps I seem that way because she's only 5'5". 

I was going to type one of my poems about her for you tonight, but I don't have it memorized and it's downstairs.  I am too tired to go downstairs to get it; so you'll have to wait until tomorrow.  But you have learned a few things about me: most notably, that I am tall.  ;-)

Goodnight!

Birthday is Done

Well I must say that I did have a good birthday for the most part.  We all know that nothing is perfect but over all: no complaints.  I went to church, went to lunch at Red Lobster, received lots of dark chocolate from Harry & David, watched football, my sister made her famous chocolate chip cookies, my daughters made dinner and then it was WWE pay-per-view wrestling.  What more could a girl want??  Oh, maybe a boyfriend, or husband, or someone other than the puppy to snuggle with at night...Ah. maybe next year ;o)

Short and sweet tonight.  So goodnight, and maybe I'll grace you with another poem tomorrow: maybe about my oldest daughter.  Slowly but surely you'll get to know us all.

32 Minutes

Well, in 32 minutes it will be my birthday.  I don't remember the exact time I was born, and my mother probably doesn't either (since I'm not the favorite), but it will be midnight and that counts.

So far it has been a pretty good birthday weekend.  Yesterday my hairdresser did my hair for free.  Thanks Annette!  In the evening I went to Harry & David and bought myself 4 dark chocolate Moose Munch bars.  They are the best!  Of course I can't eat them all at once because it would probably kill me, but I really do enjoy taking my time and making them last...  Schmoop-dog (more about him much later) got me a gift certificate to my favorite spa, Body Relief in Queensbury (shout-out to Stephen!) and I can't wait to schedule my massage.  Also, last night I went to the Dress Barn and found a great pair of pants to wear to my upcoming Christmas party (black and glittery) so that was a coup for me!

So I got to sleep in today, which is a real rarity for me on a Saturday.  Schmoop-dog took me to the Outback for lunch and I had the filet mignon: it was so good I wanted to start lunch over and eat it again :o)  Sometimes Schmoop gets it right.

On deck for tomorrow: after church my best friend is taking me to lunch at Red Lobster; probably to make up for not going out with me tonight.  But it's cold and windy and I didn't do my nails so I wasn't disappointed about staying home; especially when I got some writing done...

So I've got jazz on the radio, I'm in my jammies and I'll be doing a bit more work on my next book to go on BN.com.  Can't wait until it's done!  I think it will be a particular favorite.

20 minutes til my birthday.  I think it will be a great day; especially if I can find a channel televising the Raiders/Steelers game.  Whoo hoo: I'd love to see that.  Wish me luck and a happy birthday.  Until tomorrow...goodnight.

My Marriage in a Nutshell

Phoenix Rising

My husband tried to kill me on more than one occasion.
It must have been the booze or drugs that got his anger raging.
He liked to play Russian Roulette because he had a gun.
Here's the twist he put on that: five bullets, not just one.
He'd hold the pistol to my head until I'd beg and cry.
Then pull the trigger, hear a click: "Not your day to die."
He moved 2 girlfriends in the house 'though not at the same time.
One got pregnant, no surprise.  He said, "The baby's mine."
It didn't seem to matter then that I was pregnant too.
But I was leaving anyway: this I always knew.
When my baby girl was born I took her and her sister
Moved to a quiet, gentle place away from evil 'mister'.
I recovered from abuse; my daughters grew and thrived.
Every day when I wake up I'm thankful I'm alive.
Physical scars heal quickly; emotional ones can linger.
You cannot heal if all you do is point an accusing finger.
I finally forgave my ex although I can't forget.
Now I have the life I want: I won't harbor regrets.
The saying is "no pain no gain" and I know this is true.
From my ashes strength emerged: my Phoenix soars anew.

'Nuff said.  Goodnight.

Lost and Found

Sometimes people that I haven't seen in many years will cross my mind.  I wonder where they are, what they are doing and how they are.  And then I wonder if they are dead. 

Sure it sounds morbid but how can people just drop off the face of the earth, and have no one know where they are?  Yes I did that before, but my situation was different.  We'll talk about that in a later blog...

Anyhoo, there are three people that immediately spring to mind.  The first one is Scott.  My first memory of him was when we were in elementary school; and he beat up this boy who had made fun of me on the bus.  He achieved hero status in my eyes that day and we were friends all through school.  But after graduation I never saw him or heard anything about him.  He never showed up at any reunions, so I thought the worst.  Then one day in Hannaford, I was walking by an aisle and someone called my name.  I backed up, this man that I didn't recognize said my name again and when I said I didn't know him he said, "it's me, Scott."  I was thrilled to see him and we spent a few precious minutes catching up.  I couldn't believe that he was able to recognize me; and he looked great.  However, afterwards I saw him one more time and he didn't look so good; and that time we didn't speak.  A few days later I ran into the class busybody and asked what his story was.  She told me that after high school he had been in and out of jail for drugs, and would probably go back at some point.  That certainly explained why he had looked so bad the 2nd time.  It broke my heart because I had such fond memories of him.  So in his honor, I wrote a novelette about him, where he was the hero.  I just wish it really was his story...I'll let you know when it's published.

The second person is Eric.  Back in high school he was too cool for school and all the girls loved him.  We were friends because my best friend Emmy-Lou dated him; and there was just always something endearing about him.  He was an upperclassman and after graduation I never saw him again.  Two weeks ago I was in my local Stewart's paying for gas when this guy walked by me.  I was talking to the cashier and ordering an ice cream cone when he called my name.  I looked at this short, elfin looking dude and said, "Hey, how are you?" and then he began talking as if we were long lost friends.  I had no idea who he was, ended the convo and went to collect my cone at the other counter.  As I listened to him talk to the cashier it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks: it was long lost Eric!  I didn't want him to know that I hadn't recognized him, so as I was leaving I called out, "It was great to see you after all these years Eric."  And it was!

The last one is a piece of my heart.  Matthew and my cousin worked together and when I relocated back here,I was fortunate enough to get a job at the same company.  When my cousin introduced me to him,I pulled her aside later to ask, "Why in the world haven't you hooked me up with this guy?  He's terrific!"  She replied, "because he's gay."

So that meant we would only be friends, and we became great friends indeed.  I loved him so much as a friend, he made work fun and he had an absolute killer sense of humor.  But what I didn't know was that Matt was also a raging alcoholic, and that took over his life.  Eventually he left the company and we did keep in touch for a bit; but the last time I saw him was in the early 90's.  Then he disappeared.

Over the years I would get sporadic reports; but the last one was so chilling: a mutual friend said that she heard he had died out in Arizona.  My heart broke more for him than it had for anyone else except my father.  But I was afraid to get definitive confirmation of this.

His old boyfriend found me on Facebook and we began corresponding.  Finally I worked up the courage to ask him what had happened to Matt.  Imagine my relief when Mike emailed me back and said that Matt was alive and in Arizona; and sent me his Facebook link.  Sure enough: it was him!

I immediately sent him a message.  When he emailed me back I cried.  He told me what he had gone through, but now he's on the other side,sober for 14 years and married to a wonderful husband.  You have no idea of how happy I was to hear that; and we are going to keep in touch. (my gay friend has a husband and I'm single: figures!)

So three people I had lost have been found.  I'm not sure if I'll see the first two again; but as long as I have Matt back: it's all good :o)  I'll pray for Scott and try to remember it's Eric when I run into him at Stewart's again!

This was a long one; but I promise that tomorrow I'll really tell more about who I am.  And it will be the start of my birthday weekend.  Whoo hoo!

Yes it's True

It's nice to know that at least a couple of people are reading this :o)  Someone at work asked me today, "Were you serious when you said you were going to watch DWTS and wrestling?" To which I replied, "You betcha!"

I know the two are diametrically on opposite ends of the spectrum, but that's just the kind of person I am: a total contradiction, even to myself.  But that's just one of the things that makes me so interesting...

I have an ex-boyfriend that I took ballroom dancing lessons with (again, it was the 90's).  From the minute we started I fell in love with the elegance, and the workout, that it entailed.  True: I have no idea if we actually looked elegant, but I loved the way it made me feel.  He was good because he had taken lessons before.  Since I am a natural dancer (or at least was) I caught on easily, and the teacher always commented on how well we did and how we complemented each other.

I really liked this guy, and we had a great relationship for 2 years.  The 3rd year turned into a train wreck due to deceit on both our parts.  I had been...not totally myself.  I so wanted to be who he wanted me to be, that I turned myself into a veritable Mary Lou Whitney to please him. I also gave up sugar, turned vegetarian and attended the theatre and other highbrow functions that hadn't been on my top ten list before.  As for him: in a nutshell he lied about who he was during the entire relationship.  Not about his money (he was rich) or about job, etc.  He just chose to live a "double life" that caused us to break up when I found out.

If he had been honest from the beginning we might have had a different story.  But once I couldn't keep up my facade, and his crumbled down around him: there was no hope for a future together.

You know: this is in no way what I had planned to blog about!  But apparently it was something that needed to "come out", no pun intended.  But tomorrow: I promise I'll have something for you that will tell you more about who I am, which is more than just someone who makes bad choices about men ;-).

Who is MaxxTopher?

I ran into a friend at work today and she asked me who was who in my MaxxTopher moniker, or was it all me?  Well Maxx is my nickname and Topher is my ex-boyfriend's nickname. 

Ah, Topher: I really miss him.  I remember as if it was yesterday when we first met.  It was a blind date and we were to meet at Starbuck's on Broadway in Saratoga.  We had talked on the phone a few times and I liked his "life force" and exuberance.  He thought I was a "cool chick" and "dug my brain".  So yes, it was a match made in Heaven.  (what can I say: it was the 90's).  Anyhoo, the minute he walked into the place I knew it was him and it was just like in the movies: everything receded as our eyes locked across the room.  He was wearing doc martens, ripped jeans, a white button down shirt, an unzipped black leather jacket and a bandana on his head. It was love at first sight.

I'm not going to get into all the particulars, but I sure thought I had found my soul mate.  We both wrote, loved to read, loved jazz and he was sexy as all get out and kissed like it was his last day on earth.  Sigh...

I loved every single minute we spent together, but nothing good seems to last forever.  In a nutshell, the depression he had been trying to hide finally got to be too much for him, and he attempted suicide.  I spent the next year trying to keep him alive, through love and prayer.  Happy to say that he is still amongst the living, but a relationship with us can not be again.  Regardless of what we felt about each other, I will forever be associated with the worst time in his life, even though he came out on the other side...

The last time I saw him was the night before he relocated to his father's house in the Hamptons because he could no longer live alone.  When I arrived at his place in Ballston Spa, he was dressed in those same doc martens, navy blue boxer briefs, a cut off sweatshirt and a bandanna around his head.  I cried.

 He is better today; and finally working again.  I heard this from his father a few weeks ago.  I am very happy about that.  But it doesn't take away how much I miss him.  So I keep him with me by the joining of our names.

Well it's almost time for Dancing with the Stars and WWE Raw.  So I will catch up with you tomorrow. :o)

Welcome to my World

I've been thinking about doing this for awhile, so here I am!  My screenname is MaxxTopher, which is the marriage of my nickname with the nickname of an old boyfriend.  Why include him in my name?  Because it's cool, that's why! ;-)  Plus, I really liked him and things were great until his depression really kicked his butt...but that's a story for another time!  Anyhoo, my reason for creating this is to put myself out there to try to break in to the world of book publishing.  I figure once people get to know me, and see how clever I am, they won't be able to WAIT to buy one of my books to get to know me even better!  And trust me: that's not something you want to miss.

So I'll leave you with that for now, and tomorrow I'll fill in a few blanks about myself.  Stay tuned!