As
many of you know, I belong to a Public Speaking club called Adirondack
Toastmasters. A few years ago I entered one of the “Humorous Speech” contests
and then wondered what could I do that would be funny enough to actually win? After much thinking I decided that,
as the whitest black woman in the area, the funniest thing I could do was rap.
So I picked a familiar fable, found a CD of beats, and came up with what you’re
about to read. There’s no music here, but try to pick a beat in your head as
you read it. And yes: as the whitest black woman in the area, I won J Holla!
Once upon a time not long
ago
Lived in a girl in da hood
but she weren’t no ‘ho!
She lived with her momma,
a sheltered life,
That didn’t contain much
stress or strife.
Red knew there was more
out there,
And baby girl wanted to
see her share.
She looked out the window,
every day
Then worked up the courage
one day to say,
“Hey
momma you know I need more than this.”
“But baby girl right now
your life is bliss!”
“It’s
boring; I need to see what’s out there.”
“Girl all that danger will
curl your hair!”
But Hood continued to
plead her best
Till momma finally acquiesced.
“There’s one place I’ll
let you go,
To Grandma’s house and
don’t be slow.
Take with you some
homemade goods
And don’t forget to wear
your hood!”
The girl was excited as she
could be,
She tied her hood on prettily.
“Thank
you mom this will be great!”
“Now hurry up so you’re
not late!
“I’ll call granny and let
her know
To expect you soon, don’t
dawdle so.”
So Little Red Hood went on
her way,
Skipping and singing that
lovely day.
But after a while she had
to slow down
And set her basket on the
ground.
She hadn’t known it was
this far
And she didn’t even see a
car.
The woods were bigger than
she thought
The basket was heavy with
the goodies she brought.
Her mom had told her not
to dawdle
But now her knees began to
wobble.
Maybe she should have
thought some more
Before she set foot out
the door.
She squared her shoulders
and soldiered on
To get to granny’s ‘fore
the light was gone.
As she started to crossly
grumble,
All of a sudden she heard
a rumble!
She quickly jumped behind
a tree,
“Hey girl, don’t be scared
of me!”
Peeking from behind her
cover
She saw a Harley Davidson
lover.
Dressed in leather from head
to toe,
Which was this, a friend
or foe?
He took his helmet off his
head,
“Girl you got nothing to
dread.
It ain’t safe out here by
yourself,
Now do you need a little
help?”
“Not
from you sir, but thanks though,
On your way now,
please just go.”
The biker wasn’t done just
yet.
His curiosity she had
whet.
“Why you out here all
alone?
These woods can be a
danger zone.”
“I
think that I’m beginning to see
What momma was
trying to tell me.
I should have
stayed at home with her
Instead of being
here with you sir!”
“At least come out from
behind that tree,
So who I’m talking to I’ll
see.”
She took a step from
behind the bark
And was glad that it still
wasn’t dark.
“I like your hat, is it a
snood?”
“Back
up foo, don’t touch my hood!”
“I see you’ve got a basket
there.
How about me and you just
share?”
“These
goodies are for my granny see,
Jump back Jack
or you’ll feel my knee!”
He placed his hands up, backed
away,
“No need for that, but listen, say
“No need for that, but listen, say
How about I give you a
ride on my bike?
‘Cause that will save you
quite a hike!”
“You
think that I was born last night?”
She raised her dukes to put
up a fight.
“Come on girl, you can
trust me
I have sisters, here are
pictures, see?”
Warily she checked them
out
And then decided he wasn’t
a lout.
“If
you try a trick or two
Your butt is
going to feel my shoe!”
“Just put this extra helmet
on
So in a minute we’ll be
gone!
Now just where is your
granny’s place?”
“It’s
right outside the woods a pace.”
So Little Red got on the
back
And placed her basket in
the side rack.
“Remember
sir, no funny stuff
Or else I’ll
have to get real tough!”
“Chill out girl, we’re on
our way,
You got anything else to
say?”
Little Red said, “Not a peep.”
Then settled on the high
“bitch” seat.
The ‘cycle started with a
loud roar,
Then the throttle was all
but floored!
Like a shot the bike took
off,
The exhaust made Little
Red cough!
Through the woods the
riders rushed,
Jumping logs and dodging
brush.
She hung on tight for
safety’s sake:
Dirt and stones flew in
their wake!
“Please
slow down before we crash
And we both end
up with road rash! “
“Don’t worry Red!” he
shouted back.
“It’s all good, we’re
right on track!”
She hung on tightly; said
a prayer,
Before she knew it: they
were there!
“Here you go Red, safe and
sound.”
Shakily her feet touched
ground.
“Thanks,
I think,” she told her ride.
And got her basket from
the side.
“Little Red remember this:
You had better be careful,
Miss.
Lucky for you your momma
sent me
For the purpose, just to
see
How you did on your first
trek out.
I’ll have to tell her all about
How you didn’t ask me for
I.D.
I could have been a big
bad wolf, you see.
So next time don’t accept
a ride,
There are safety rules you
must abide.
For safety’s sake girl,
keep it real,
Or your goodies a guy might
steal!”
On that note they heard
the door
Out stepped granny, who
was five feet four.
“The gentleman’s right,”
Granny said.
“You must be careful, or
wind up dead!”
Hearing this gave Red a
fright,
Luckily, it turned out all
right.
But in the future she did
vow,
To be more careful, and how!
‘Cause the next biker she
might meet:
Could trick her and then take
her “treat”!
Word to your mutha!
