Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I Feel Like a Poem Tonight

She enters her room and closes the door
Then quietly sits on the bed.
Staring blankly into space
She raises a hand to her head.
Where's the girl she used to be?
The charmer of all men?
The bonafide life of the party
With a plethora of friends?
The telephone no longer rings,
No one comes by or calls.
Pushing her hair out of her face
To her lap her hand now falls.
In her mind she thinks back
To when life was full and fun.
Long ago and far away
Now it seems her life is done.
Her looks have faded, hair is gray,
The kids are grown and gone.
Everyone's forgotten her:
She's older and alone.
The man she knew and thought would stay
She hasn't seen in years.
She gave her all to no avail:
Her eyes release her tears.
Why did eveyone leave her?
She lies down on the bed.
Guess she's no good anymore,
She might as well be dead.
She reaches for the vial of pills
It empties into her hand.
She takes a drink and swallows deep
To reach the Promised Land.
Her eyes are closing and she feels
A warm light on her face.
Then quietly, with no fanfare
She leaves the human race.
Who will miss this lonely soul?
Neither you nor I.
Looks like that's the reason why
This woman chose to die...
Could there be a different end?
That's our choice to make.
Please reach out to others so
This choice they do not take.

The holidays are the loneliest and most depressing time of the year for many people.  Please take a moment to reach out to someone and let them know that they aren't alone; and that someone is thinking about them.  Hey, you never know if this poem could be about you or someone you know someday.

Goodnight.  I'll be more upbeat next time.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I Can Sleep When I'm Dead

We all hear people say this but you know what: I don't want to sleep when I'm dead, I want to sleep NOW.  I am exhausted!  Not just because it was a holiday week and I was doing a lot and went out the night before Thanksgiving (and had a blast, by the way).  No, I'm more exhausted because I got virtually no sleep last night and had weird dreams that kept waking me up.  Like I had a dream that there was a dragon in my basement, and when a friend and I went down there the dragon came out of hiding and blew fire at us as we raced back up the stairs.  There is no basement here...

Then I had another dream where I was moving a couple of boxes, and I saw where there was a hole in the wall near the floor.  So of course all I could think about was that something had chewed a hole and was going to come through there.  I moved a box back in front of the hole; and then I realized if the thing could chew through the wall, chances are it could chew through a cardboard box.  Even in my dream I knew I was screwed...

Then when I was trying to fall back asleep, I felt like I was falling so I kept waking up.  This game got old around 7 a.m. so I turned on the TV, like that was going to help.  I figured that maybe since I was so tired I would get an excused absence from church; but when I called my mother she said she wanted to go so I got up.  No rest for the weary!

But it was good for me to go to church.  I managed to catch a nap this afternoon while I pretended to watch the Falcons game (I know we're on the east coast, but dear Lord can we please get a Raiders game once in a while???).  So right now I am still pretty coherent, but my butt will be in my bed by 9 p.m.  Only half an hour to go!

And guess what?  My Christmas tree is up and decorated!  It looks so lovely: I am very pleased.  So I have a good long while to look at it and enjoy it :o)

Goodnight...hopefully there won't be any "falling" tonight!

Friday, November 26, 2010

This is Not a Paid Advertisement

November hasn't been the greatest month for me, so imagine how thrilled I was when Schmoop-dog gave me a $100 gift certificate for spa services for my birthday.  Earlier this week I had decided that while everyone else was killing themselves with black Friday shopping, I would be enjoying an hour-long Swedish Massage.

I went to my favorite spa, Body Relief, up on Route 9 in the Mount Royal Plaza.  There are two masseuses that I really like there, Stephen and Heather (they are awesome!).  Stephen was on vacation this week so Heather was the lucky one today :-)

I'm not going to get into the absolute splendor of the massage: how relaxing and heavenly the soothing music and lavender oil were in taking me away to a calm, peaceful place that was exactly what the doctor ordered...

Nope: I'm going to tell you how my magical euphoria lasted all of 15 minutes: or until I had gotten in my car and was driving home.  I made the mistake of turning on my cell phone; and 5 minutes later my oldest daughter called to complain about the "unfair" treatment she gets in comparison to her younger sister.  While she's on the line her sister buzzes in with her own version of the events that had unfolded while I had been enjoying my spa retreat.  Apparently it all stemmed from Kitty asking to borrow money and receiving it, while her sister did NOT ask and therefore did NOT get any money.  Confused?  EXACTLY!  My daughters are certainly old enough to a) solve their own differences; b) open their mouths to ask for something if they want it; and c) BE SMART ENOUGH TO HANDLE THEIR FINANCES BETTER BECAUSE THEY BOTH HAVE JOBS!

I mean seriously?  It's a good thing there's still $35 left on my gift certificate because when payday rolls around: they are both going to give me enough for another 1-hour massage.  Hey: they owe me for blowing my high with their foolishness.  And they'd better give me enough for the tip, too.  I give them at least 20% and trust me: it's woth it!

Body Relief Spa: tell them Rita sent you!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

My Favorite Thanksgiving Memory

I am so stuffed!  What a great Thanksgiving dinner we had: a lot of great food and family to share it.  Unfortunately I kept falling asleep during the after-dinner video viewing, and my family kept waking me up!  But love them anyway😊

So I promised you my favorite Thanksgiving memory tonight; and I'll be as succinct as possible because I am sooo ready for bed...

It was either 2006 or 2007.  My oldest daughter Brie was living on the west coast, so only my youngest daughter Kitty was home.  As usual, we went over to my mother's house for dinner.  Brie had wanted me to call her when we were having dinner so she could say hi to everyone: her grandmother, my sister and brother and Kitty.

I had put my cell phone in the middle of the kitchen table while we were eating and Brie called.  We had some conversation on speaker phone, and then she asked what we were having because she was nostalgic about my mother's cooking.  I said, "Turkey, stuffing, ham, collard greens, crescent rolls, mashed potatoes, etc. and extra gizzards."   At this point she said, "Gizzards?  What are those?"  I replied, "they're part of the giblets, that are in the little paper bag in the turkey."  To this Brie said, "In the bag?  Are they turkey balls?"  "No they're not turkey balls!" I exclaimed.  At this point, without missing a beat, Kitty said, "I know what balls are."  Then, in a stage whisper that could be heard in the next room, she added, "Scro-tum."

My brother had to get up and leave the room as my sister spit out her food laughing.  Brie was rolling on the other end of the phone and my mother broke out of her reverie to say, "What did she say? What are you talking about?"  I was laughing so hard I couldn't tell her.  And Kitty calmly resumed eating.

Oh, if only you could have been there.  To this day, if anyone mentions the word gizzard someone will pipe up "Scrotum!" and we still laugh like hyenas.

That's one of the stories I like the best.  I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving and were able to share some fun stories as well.  And now when Kitty comes out with one of her outrageous remarks, Brie is home to hear them!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving Eve

I was thinking about making tonight my Thanksgiving post, but now I don't have time.  I have to get ready to go out with my daughter to JP Bruno's to see one of our favorite bands, Funk Evolution.  The trumpet player works with me and I believe in supporting people I know (remember my loyalty description in my profile?). Also, the owner of Bruno's is my baby brother's best friend; and really easy on the eyes ;-) (Hi Perry!).

Anyhoo it's cold and windy out but I will go out for one set.  The band really does rock; and I love a really tight horn section.  Granted, I am tired and not looking forward to putting on eye makeup and vraving the wind, but it's the biggest party night of the year so I guess I should do it.  Besides, it's a 4-day weekend for me so I know I can catch up on my sleep later.

With that said, I have to go change my clothes.  Who knows?  I could meet someone interesting...rich and good-looking!

I'll give you my Thanksgiving blog tomorrow.  Now you have something to look forward to besides a belly full of turkey!

Toodles!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Old Friends

It was a really long day at work today.  I had made plans with my best friend from college to meet at Friendly's at 6, but during the course of the day I was really feeling like I wanted to cancel.  It's 2 days before Thanksgiving and I have a lot to do; plus I've been sleep deprived all week.  But I met her anyway; with my oldest daughter in tow as she'd had a bad day.

But once I got there, I realized how good it was to see her.  She is the one who is always there, listens to me crab, has known me for over 30 years, and still likes me as a person!  Lynne knows the secrets, and where some of the bodies are buried ;-)  She makes me laugh, gives me encouragement, and puts up with my moods and crankiness.  Only someone who really knows how to be a friend can keep a friendship going this long.

She's an awesome mother, a great wife, and I am honored to call her my friend.  So hats off to you Lynne: my dear friend who never lets me down.  You look like a million bucks, while I ate a million calories in that Forbidden Chocolate Brownie Hot Fudge Sundae.  I promise to keep my envy to a minimum :o)

Love you my friend!

Goodnight

Monday, November 22, 2010

Part I

My sister took me to see Harry Potter: the Deathly Hallows Part I.  This was the first Potter movie I've seen at the theatre.  I haven't read any of the books, and I didn't see the other movies in order.  So granted: there were some parts where I was lost, but for the most part I knew what was going on.  What did I think:  let's just say that I can't wait for Part II in July...

As I was watching the movie (don't worry: no spoilers here) I realized that Voldemort looks like Randy Orton.  He's a WWE wrestler and I only brought it up because wrestling is on right now and I'm kind of watching it as I type.  I am also noticing that when they announce the wrestlers, there are some that weigh less than I do.  What kind of crap is that?  Hmm, I think that maybe they are just little men.  I'm sure it has nothing to do with me being a giant, as my oldest daughter says.  She's so annoying.  According to her, I'm 6 feet tall. Perhaps I seem that way because she's only 5'5". 

I was going to type one of my poems about her for you tonight, but I don't have it memorized and it's downstairs.  I am too tired to go downstairs to get it; so you'll have to wait until tomorrow.  But you have learned a few things about me: most notably, that I am tall.  ;-)

Goodnight!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Birthday is Done

Well I must say that I did have a good birthday for the most part.  We all know that nothing is perfect but over all: no complaints.  I went to church, went to lunch at Red Lobster, received lots of dark chocolate from Harry & David, watched football, my sister made her famous chocolate chip cookies, my daughters made dinner and then it was WWE pay-per-view wrestling.  What more could a girl want??  Oh, maybe a boyfriend, or husband, or someone other than the puppy to snuggle with at night...Ah. maybe next year ;o)

Short and sweet tonight.  So goodnight, and maybe I'll grace you with another poem tomorrow: maybe about my oldest daughter.  Slowly but surely you'll get to know us all.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

32 Minutes

Well, in 32 minutes it will be my birthday.  I don't remember the exact time I was born, and my mother probably doesn't either (since I'm not the favorite), but it will be midnight and that counts.

So far it has been a pretty good birthday weekend.  Yesterday my hairdresser did my hair for free.  Thanks Annette!  In the evening I went to Harry & David and bought myself 4 dark chocolate Moose Munch bars.  They are the best!  Of course I can't eat them all at once because it would probably kill me, but I really do enjoy taking my time and making them last...  Schmoop-dog (more about him much later) got me a gift certificate to my favorite spa, Body Relief in Queensbury (shout-out to Stephen!) and I can't wait to schedule my massage.  Also, last night I went to the Dress Barn and found a great pair of pants to wear to my upcoming Christmas party (black and glittery) so that was a coup for me!

So I got to sleep in today, which is a real rarity for me on a Saturday.  Schmoop-dog took me to the Outback for lunch and I had the filet mignon: it was so good I wanted to start lunch over and eat it again :o)  Sometimes Schmoop gets it right.

On deck for tomorrow: after church my best friend is taking me to lunch at Red Lobster; probably to make up for not going out with me tonight.  But it's cold and windy and I didn't do my nails so I wasn't disappointed about staying home; especially when I got some writing done...

So I've got jazz on the radio, I'm in my jammies and I'll be doing a bit more work on my next book to go on BN.com.  Can't wait until it's done!  I think it will be a particular favorite.

20 minutes til my birthday.  I think it will be a great day; especially if I can find a channel televising the Raiders/Steelers game.  Whoo hoo: I'd love to see that.  Wish me luck and a happy birthday.  Until tomorrow...goodnight.

Friday, November 19, 2010

My Marriage in a Nutshell

Phoenix Rising

My husband tried to kill me on more than one occasion.
It must have been the booze or drugs that got his anger raging.
He liked to play Russian Roulette because he had a gun.
Here's the twist he put on that: five bullets, not just one.
He'd hold the pistol to my head until I'd beg and cry.
Then pull the trigger, hear a click: "Not your day to die."
He moved 2 girlfriends in the house 'though not at the same time.
One got pregnant, no surprise.  He said, "The baby's mine."
It didn't seem to matter then that I was pregnant too.
But I was leaving anyway: this I always knew.
When my baby girl was born I took her and her sister
Moved to a quiet, gentle place away from evil 'mister'.
I recovered from abuse; my daughters grew and thrived.
Every day when I wake up I'm thankful I'm alive.
Physical scars heal quickly; emotional ones can linger.
You cannot heal if all you do is point an accusing finger.
I finally forgave my ex although I can't forget.
Now I have the life I want: I won't harbor regrets.
The saying is "no pain no gain" and I know this is true.
From my ashes strength emerged: my Phoenix soars anew.

'Nuff said.  Goodnight.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Lost and Found

Sometimes people that I haven't seen in many years will cross my mind.  I wonder where they are, what they are doing and how they are.  And then I wonder if they are dead. 

Sure it sounds morbid but how can people just drop off the face of the earth, and have no one know where they are?  Yes I did that before, but my situation was different.  We'll talk about that in a later blog...

Anyhoo, there are three people that immediately spring to mind.  The first one is Scott.  My first memory of him was when we were in elementary school; and he beat up this boy who had made fun of me on the bus.  He achieved hero status in my eyes that day and we were friends all through school.  But after graduation I never saw him or heard anything about him.  He never showed up at any reunions, so I thought the worst.  Then one day in Hannaford, I was walking by an aisle and someone called my name.  I backed up, this man that I didn't recognize said my name again and when I said I didn't know him he said, "it's me, Scott."  I was thrilled to see him and we spent a few precious minutes catching up.  I couldn't believe that he was able to recognize me; and he looked great.  However, afterwards I saw him one more time and he didn't look so good; and that time we didn't speak.  A few days later I ran into the class busybody and asked what his story was.  She told me that after high school he had been in and out of jail for drugs, and would probably go back at some point.  That certainly explained why he had looked so bad the 2nd time.  It broke my heart because I had such fond memories of him.  So in his honor, I wrote a novelette about him, where he was the hero.  I just wish it really was his story...I'll let you know when it's published.

The second person is Eric.  Back in high school he was too cool for school and all the girls loved him.  We were friends because my best friend Emmy-Lou dated him; and there was just always something endearing about him.  He was an upperclassman and after graduation I never saw him again.  Two weeks ago I was in my local Stewart's paying for gas when this guy walked by me.  I was talking to the cashier and ordering an ice cream cone when he called my name.  I looked at this short, elfin looking dude and said, "Hey, how are you?" and then he began talking as if we were long lost friends.  I had no idea who he was, ended the convo and went to collect my cone at the other counter.  As I listened to him talk to the cashier it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks: it was long lost Eric!  I didn't want him to know that I hadn't recognized him, so as I was leaving I called out, "It was great to see you after all these years Eric."  And it was!

The last one is a piece of my heart.  Matthew and my cousin worked together and when I relocated back here,I was fortunate enough to get a job at the same company.  When my cousin introduced me to him,I pulled her aside later to ask, "Why in the world haven't you hooked me up with this guy?  He's terrific!"  She replied, "because he's gay."

So that meant we would only be friends, and we became great friends indeed.  I loved him so much as a friend, he made work fun and he had an absolute killer sense of humor.  But what I didn't know was that Matt was also a raging alcoholic, and that took over his life.  Eventually he left the company and we did keep in touch for a bit; but the last time I saw him was in the early 90's.  Then he disappeared.

Over the years I would get sporadic reports; but the last one was so chilling: a mutual friend said that she heard he had died out in Arizona.  My heart broke more for him than it had for anyone else except my father.  But I was afraid to get definitive confirmation of this.

His old boyfriend found me on Facebook and we began corresponding.  Finally I worked up the courage to ask him what had happened to Matt.  Imagine my relief when Mike emailed me back and said that Matt was alive and in Arizona; and sent me his Facebook link.  Sure enough: it was him!

I immediately sent him a message.  When he emailed me back I cried.  He told me what he had gone through, but now he's on the other side,sober for 14 years and married to a wonderful husband.  You have no idea of how happy I was to hear that; and we are going to keep in touch. (my gay friend has a husband and I'm single: figures!)

So three people I had lost have been found.  I'm not sure if I'll see the first two again; but as long as I have Matt back: it's all good :o)  I'll pray for Scott and try to remember it's Eric when I run into him at Stewart's again!

This was a long one; but I promise that tomorrow I'll really tell more about who I am.  And it will be the start of my birthday weekend.  Whoo hoo!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Yes it's True

It's nice to know that at least a couple of people are reading this :o)  Someone at work asked me today, "Were you serious when you said you were going to watch DWTS and wrestling?" To which I replied, "You betcha!"

I know the two are diametrically on opposite ends of the spectrum, but that's just the kind of person I am: a total contradiction, even to myself.  But that's just one of the things that makes me so interesting...

I have an ex-boyfriend that I took ballroom dancing lessons with (again, it was the 90's).  From the minute we started I fell in love with the elegance, and the workout, that it entailed.  True: I have no idea if we actually looked elegant, but I loved the way it made me feel.  He was good because he had taken lessons before.  Since I am a natural dancer (or at least was) I caught on easily, and the teacher always commented on how well we did and how we complemented each other.

I really liked this guy, and we had a great relationship for 2 years.  The 3rd year turned into a train wreck due to deceit on both our parts.  I had been...not totally myself.  I so wanted to be who he wanted me to be, that I turned myself into a veritable Mary Lou Whitney to please him. I also gave up sugar, turned vegetarian and attended the theatre and other highbrow functions that hadn't been on my top ten list before.  As for him: in a nutshell he lied about who he was during the entire relationship.  Not about his money (he was rich) or about job, etc.  He just chose to live a "double life" that caused us to break up when I found out.

If he had been honest from the beginning we might have had a different story.  But once I couldn't keep up my facade, and his crumbled down around him: there was no hope for a future together.

You know: this is in no way what I had planned to blog about!  But apparently it was something that needed to "come out", no pun intended.  But tomorrow: I promise I'll have something for you that will tell you more about who I am, which is more than just someone who makes bad choices about men ;-).

Monday, November 15, 2010

Who is MaxxTopher?

I ran into a friend at work today and she asked me who was who in my MaxxTopher moniker, or was it all me?  Well Maxx is my nickname and Topher is my ex-boyfriend's nickname. 

Ah, Topher: I really miss him.  I remember as if it was yesterday when we first met.  It was a blind date and we were to meet at Starbuck's on Broadway in Saratoga.  We had talked on the phone a few times and I liked his "life force" and exuberance.  He thought I was a "cool chick" and "dug my brain".  So yes, it was a match made in Heaven.  (what can I say: it was the 90's).  Anyhoo, the minute he walked into the place I knew it was him and it was just like in the movies: everything receded as our eyes locked across the room.  He was wearing doc martens, ripped jeans, a white button down shirt, an unzipped black leather jacket and a bandana on his head. It was love at first sight.

I'm not going to get into all the particulars, but I sure thought I had found my soul mate.  We both wrote, loved to read, loved jazz and he was sexy as all get out and kissed like it was his last day on earth.  Sigh...

I loved every single minute we spent together, but nothing good seems to last forever.  In a nutshell, the depression he had been trying to hide finally got to be too much for him, and he attempted suicide.  I spent the next year trying to keep him alive, through love and prayer.  Happy to say that he is still amongst the living, but a relationship with us can not be again.  Regardless of what we felt about each other, I will forever be associated with the worst time in his life, even though he came out on the other side...

The last time I saw him was the night before he relocated to his father's house in the Hamptons because he could no longer live alone.  When I arrived at his place in Ballston Spa, he was dressed in those same doc martens, navy blue boxer briefs, a cut off sweatshirt and a bandanna around his head.  I cried.

 He is better today; and finally working again.  I heard this from his father a few weeks ago.  I am very happy about that.  But it doesn't take away how much I miss him.  So I keep him with me by the joining of our names.

Well it's almost time for Dancing with the Stars and WWE Raw.  So I will catch up with you tomorrow. :o)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Welcome to my World

I've been thinking about doing this for awhile, so here I am!  My screenname is MaxxTopher, which is the marriage of my nickname with the nickname of an old boyfriend.  Why include him in my name?  Because it's cool, that's why! ;-)  Plus, I really liked him and things were great until his depression really kicked his butt...but that's a story for another time!  Anyhoo, my reason for creating this is to put myself out there to try to break in to the world of book publishing.  I figure once people get to know me, and see how clever I am, they won't be able to WAIT to buy one of my books to get to know me even better!  And trust me: that's not something you want to miss.

So I'll leave you with that for now, and tomorrow I'll fill in a few blanks about myself.  Stay tuned!