It's Almost That Time...

Today is Wednesday, June 27th, 2012.  You know what that means: 6 days until Kitty-palooza!  Yes, that time of year where her birthday is July 3rd, yet we seem to start celebrating several days before AND several days after! As a matter of fact: when I picked Kitty up from work last night, she got in the car and said, "Mom, guess what I did before my shift started? I walked all around the mall and took pictures of the things I want for my birthday!" Then she clicked on the photo gallery on her Droid Razr phone and showed me all of the items!  Seriously Kitty????

So here's the run-down on what's in store for Kitty-palooza 2012:

• Friday: dinner at the Outback.
• Saturday: seeing the Calico Dancers Indian troup at Moreau Rec.
• Saturday night: dinner with friends at Siam Thai Sushi, and I don't eat sushi (not my birthday).
• Sunday: Going to the movies to see "Brave".
• Monday: Build-a-bear workshop for a companion for Miss Piggy and Lady Baa Baa.
• Tuesday: her actual birthday with family dinner, cake and presents.
• Wednesday the 4th: cookout.

Then we skip to Saturday the 7th, when we go to Glen Lake for Lisa and Tim's annual blowout featuring great food, fun and fireworks!  We'll bring a cake there like we always do for Kitty's birthday,along with my famous pasta salad.

So there it is, and I'm tired but I'd better gear up for this.  After all, what would summer be without Kitty calling all the shots for a week???  I'll let you know how we all fared after all the celebrating's complete!

Wardrobe Malfunction

A few years ago I had a year that was quite stressful for me.  I found myself constantly on edge and occasionally suffering from shortness of breath.  Since I have a pre-existing condition, I decided to call good old Dr. Bob to get things checked out.  After a routine exam, it was decided that I should go to a cardiologist and have a “stress test”.  In the meantime, I was written out of work for 2 ½ weeks as a preventative measure.  Thanks Dr. Bob!

I’ve had a stress test before so I wasn’t worried about it.  Prior to the appointment I was given a two-page list of dos and don’ts, and they weren’t too alarming.  I figured it would be a easy, especially since I had done so well with the spinning classes before!  I was more than ready for a mere walk on a treadmill.

The morning of the test I dressed in my cute little workout Capri’s, a v-necked tee shirt, Joe Boxer socks and sneakers.  I figured this way they could attach the electrodes to whatever wasn’t covered up by clothes.   I was ready for this little workout!  However, when I arrived and was ushered into the room with the treadmill, they told me to undress from the waist up.  Why?  There was room for the electrodes under my shirt and down the low neckline.  But they said no and made me take it off, plus my foundation garment!  “Here,” the first nurse said, handing me a paper garment.  “You can cover up with this smock top.”

They left the room; I removed my clothing from the waist up and put on the smock.  Hmm, what was wrong with this picture?  First of all, I’m tall, 5’10” without shoes.  Second, being on the northern side of 40, gravity has a greater hold on certain parts of the anatomy which naturally makes them face a more…southerly direction.  To sum it up, even with the front of the smock drawn closed, my “naughty bits” were peeking from beneath the smock!  If I hadn’t been so mortified, I probably would have laughed.  But this was no laughing matter!

The nurse returned and asked if I was ready. “Are you kidding?”  I asked.  “Hello, I think I need a little more coverage, thank you very much!”

“Hmm, I see what you mean,” she said, and then she helpfully took something that I can only describe as a blue cape-like garment and put it around my shoulders, tying it around my neck.  That was her solution. 

So now not only can you see a bit of the twins, but I looked like a demented superhero with the cape.  However, as she pointed out, once I was on the treadmill, they wouldn’t be able to see anything because the sides were covered up.  Well that was good news, wasn’t it?

Actually the good news was everything turned out all right: I just needed to R-E-L-A-X and learn to destress before it did turn into something.  But seriously: I figured I'd destress AFTER I was able to put my clothes back on!

Topless TV

This is one of Brie's favorite stories from a LONG time ago!

I was at work staring out the window, which took some doing since I didn’t sit anywhere near a window.  I was wishing that I could go home early because I had finished the project I was working on and didn’t want to start another one that day.  Then my phone rang.

“Ohhh, I’m so sick,” moaned a voice on the phone.

“Who is this?” I asked, suspiciously.

“Mommy, it’s me and I don’t feel good.  Hold on.”  I was sorry I had when I heard the sounds of Brie puking.  “Come home, I need you.”

“Need me for what?  You’re eighteen; what can I do?”

“I just need you.  Come home!”  Puke.

“Yuck!  Okay, I’ll be there in half an hour.”

I had wanted to go home early, but not to hold her hand while she threw up!  I should have been more specific when I made my wish!  However, being the good mother that I was, I went home to tend to her.

Wouldn’t you know it?  She was asleep on the couch and didn’t need me!  At least she wasn’t puking or crying, thank goodness.  I’d start dinner early.  It was a warm late spring afternoon, and as I took off my work clothes I decided, since Brie was asleep and I could hear Kitty watching TV in their room, that I wouldn’t need to get dressed right away.  I also decided to make a family favorite for dinner: Shanghai Beef.  I needed to cut some beef into cubes, and Ricki Lake was on, so I thought I would just do it in the living room.  I pulled a kitchen chair into the doorway of the living room, next to the couch where Brie was sleeping, got a plate with the beef, a steak knife and fork, turned on the TV and commenced to cutting.

Of course, Binky (our other cat at the time) and Luna were milling about: curious as to what “mom” was doing.  Either that or wondering what I was doing without my shirt and pants on!  But I didn’t pay too much attention to them because I was too engrossed in what was happening with Ricki’s guests.

Luna, nimble kitten that she was, jumped up on the side of my chair to investigate.  Apparently I wasn’t doing anything too interesting because she jumped right back down.  Then, as a guest screamed at her boyfriend for cheating on her, I felt this piercing pain in my side.  Yelping, I looked and saw clumsy Binky hanging by a claw dug into my side!  I moved the plate to my left hand so I could unhook the kitten.  The plate landed right underneath poor Brie’s nose; she inhaled, sat up, and puked!  Then she started crying because she had finally gotten comfortable enough to sleep, and the smell of the “bloody raw meat” woke her up and started her throwing up again.  She didn’t even care that Binky was dangling like a little klingon from my side!

Is there ever any sympathy for mom?  Nope!  So the motto was not to cut up meat in your underwear; OR not to have bloody meat where Brie can smell it!  😏

Dating Ain't Easy!

It isn’t easy dating here in the North Country: especially when according to statistics, I have a better chance of being hijacked by terrorists than getting married. Yet still my friends and I persist in playing the dating game, or romance Russian roulette as we’re more fond of calling it.

Since it seems like most of the men we come across are looking for arm candy, video vamps, one night stands or sugar mommies, sometimes you have to explore other options. Perhaps there is a situation that at first glance seems ordinary. With a little imaginative tweaking, said situation could be turned into an opportunity. Let’s take this a little further:

Usually when you go on a date you go to dinner, or a movie, bowling or for drinks. More times than not, there’s no one on the horizon to enjoy these activities with you and you’ve hit a dry spell. What’s a girl to do? You make the best of a situation that, even though it doesn’t look like a conventional night out, can keep you in practice until your next Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now!) comes along.

Let’s say you have to go to the grocery store because the only thing in your fridge is a box of baking soda and the light bulb. So you take off your sweats, put on a pair of jeans and a little lipstick and drive to the store. Once there you get your basket or cart and scope out the area: not only getting your items but seeing what potential single men might be shopping. Yes, this might seem a little lame, but if you time it right you can get to the store while they’re offering free samples to taste and it will seem like a cocktail party! Time your arrival at the tasting station to coincide with the cute guy you’ve been discreetly following so you can discuss what you’re eating. Hey, they only give you bite-sized samples anyway: like appetizers, so it’s not that much of a stretch. And who knows? Maybe you can work into your little conversation an actual place you know that has better food, and can finagle a dinner invitation!

Or here’s one for the slightly “saucier” woman, and you don’t need too much imagination for this one. Every woman has her “yearly” that she really looks forward to, ha ha. I don’t know about other ob/g’s, but mine has an actual cloth smock (not paper) for you to get dressed in and a piece of candy that you can munch on while he does what he needs to do. If you look at this the right way, it’s exactly like an expensive date. The guy gives you a new outfit, gives you chocolate, then you let him get to third base!

I don’t know about you, but it certainly sounds like a date to me! I mean, like dates I’ve read about…mom, you’re not reading this, are you?

50 Shades of Vampires

When I was in junior high or high school, I used to read Jackie Collins, Sidney Sheldon and Harold Robbins.  Ooh, such juicy reading!  My friends and I used to trade the books back and forth and whisper and giggle over the sexual parts.  That was until I came across a particular book by Harold Robbins entitled "Goodbye Janette".  I had devoured all of his decadent novels up to that point (as did most of my friends at that time), but this one just went so far over the edge that even though I finished it, I couldn't bring myself to read any more of his books.

So I did a one-eighty, and started reading the chaste Harlequin romances, the ones where the kisses are "chaste" and make the woman's heart "hurry a little".  As you can imagine, this would have been great had I been born in the 19th century.  So I moved on to the likes of Danielle Steele and Nora Roberts, which I enjoyed.  But then they became very formulaic, especially Ms. Steele, so I was cast adrift once again.

I finally tried the Harlequin series once again, but this time it was the SuperRomance line and the Silhouette Special Edition line.  Eureka!  I had found a balance between sex and romance!  I was so happy about this, that I began writing romances of my own as well as still working on my teen romances. 

Imagine how happy I was when I started publishing my romances on Nook and Kindle.  Finally: I was a published author!  I knew I'd be successful because who could resist a nice little romance with a hint of spice?  Apparently a LOT of people could, and you want to know why?  Because all of a sudden the big rage was a little something called "50 Shades of Gray".

Lord knows I'm not trying to give that book any more publicity, but it has blown up like Mentos in diet coke.  Even Brie bought the books on her phone, and hasn't bought any of mine yet!!  I know it's the height of naughtiness with S&M and all kinds of sexual kink in it, and someone like the New York Post dubbed it "mommy porn".  However, I know I'll never read that book because it's waaayy too much for me.  Yet that author is making money hand over fist (no pun intended!) and I'm not.  Is that really all people want these days: raw sex that people try to say is a "love story"? 

If so, I'll just have to stick with my romances.  You have to leave something to the imagination, don't you?  However, if I ever do decide to lay it all out there, I'll write a novel that joins the two leading genres: sex and the undead.  So if you come across an e-book entitled "50 Shades of Vampires", make sure you buy it!  It'll be a satirical look at what people are filling their reading hours with, complete with sex scenes (yikes!)! After all, I have to do something to shake my sales up a bit.

Happy reading!  And by that I mean "Dancing In A Minefield", Southern Hospitality", "Three's The Charm" and "A Good Place to Start! 😉

Still Saying the Darndest Things!

This is going to be a quick one, because it was pretty succinct and to the point.  And judging by the title, I'm sure you can imagine that it's something Kitty said.

I went out to the mailbox to get the mail one day after work.  There was a boatload of catalogues: Woman Within, LL Bean, Carol Wright, Ginny's: so I brought them all in and put them on the table.  Then I went into the living room to watch my DVR'd soap.

Brie was in the kitchen with her sister, and I imagine that they each picked up a catalogue to leaf through.  After a few minutes, Kitty comes into the living room and stops by my chair.  I didn't look up because Brooke was confronting Liam about his relationship with Hope.  Then Kitty spoke up: "Mom, would you like to have one of these?" She thrust the catalogue under my nose and was pointing to a large, clear, pink vibrator!

"No I most certainly do not want one of those!" I sputtered, wondering what in the world kind of catalogue had come to my house.

"But why not mom?  Don't you want to feel -" and here she stage whispered - "pleasure????"

"No Kitty I don't!"

Of course by this time Brie had fallen out of her chair laughing.  Thanks!  Kitty went back into the kitchen shaking her head.  "I'll just leave the catalogue up here for you mom in case you change your mind."

Seriously: what was going on, or rather not going on in my life, that Kitty thought her mother needed one of those?  I think I'd better start censoring the catalogues that I bring into the house!

A Day With Kitty

Autism makes my daughter Kitty a very unique individual.  There isn’t enough time to delve into all of the facets that make up the magic that is her.  Suffice it to say that even though she is very capable of exhibiting adult behavior, she is always going to be in touch with her inner and outer child.  Here’s an example:

                We had decided to do our spring cleaning early since each spring we have an annual inspection of all of the townhouses in our development.  Since Kitty’s sister and I work full time, Kitty really did a bang-up job of tackling some projects all by herself.  She did such a good job that I said, “Honey, you really helped out a lot and I really appreciate it.  So what would you like to do as a reward?”  The minute the sentence was out of my mouth I knew I should have put some parameters on it but it was too late: she immediately answered, “I want to go to Build-A-Bear Workshop.”

I have absolutely nothing against Build a Bear.  But it’s waaaayyyy down the Northway at Crossgates Mall, and everyone who knows me knows that I hate venturing further south than exit 12.  Crossgates is huge, and crowded, and I don’t know where anything is, and I really feel like I don’t fit in.  Yet I found myself saying, “Okay.”

I was already stressed about the inspection.  There are 3 women living in our townhouse, and we like clothes and shoes.  Plus I rarely ever go into the girls’ rooms, so who knew what the landlord might find?  But when Saturday morning rolled around and Mark came over, everything was pretty much copacetic: and of course he raved about Kitty’s curtains and how cleverly she had displayed her Living Dead Dolls, and on and on.  I got, “Well there seems to be a bit more than I’d like to see in the corner by your closet.  And Brie got, “Good Lord it’s a fire hazard!  Please find somewhere to store all of your shoes and boots!”  The good news is that her shoes and boots are all in boxes.  The bad news is that she had 788 pairs of them.  But since Mark is a really good friend, we’re golden until next spring and that stress was gone.  So now I had to make good on my promise to take Kitty to Crossgates; so my mall stress kicked in.

I never go back on my word to her since she really is a good girl, so I forced myself to put on a happy face, get in the car, and drive the 40 or so miles to the mall.

As you can imagine, she was in very good spirits: it was a sunny day, she had gotten paid the day before, and she was trying to decide what to have for lunch afterwards.  I was just praying that I could park close enough so I wouldn’t have to feel like I was walking for miles before I even reached the door.  And speaking of door: Kitty made it to the entrance as I was barely out of the car!  Who knew she could move that fast?  But I guess when you’ve got Build a Bear on the brain; it puts wings on your feet!

I managed to catch up to her, and she unerringly knew exactly where we needed to go.  But on the way we took a few moments to window shop at a couple of places.  She wanted to look in the Swarovski window at all of the gorgeous crystal, and point out what she was going to buy me one day when she becomes rich.  Then she thought I’d like to stop in a place called Teavana, because wasn’t I always looking for cherry-almond tea?  So we went in and of course they didn’t have any cherry almond tea, unless I’d like for them to mix a couple of really nice expensive teas together (no tea bags in this place!), then sell me an individual steeper for $20.  How did that sound?  It sounded like a big NO to me, that’s how it sounded! But Kitty was busy sampling a couple of teas that they had out.  And of course, one of the teas they showed her had a flower that bloomed when the tea seeped, and it was beautiful.  Nope: no flower in my tea sample!

But when she had decided that we’d spent enough time in there, it was time to high tail it to the magical land of Build A Bear.  I thought that it would be extremely busy on a Saturday, and I was right.  There was even a birthday party going on.  But she didn’t care: it was her day and I was just going to like it!  So I stoically and supportively stood there, like a giant redwood tree, amongst the little children picking out their animals to have stuffed, and watched as Kitty picked out the exact right Ms. Piggy.  Yes: MS. PIGGY from the Muppets!  Then she got in line with me to wait until it was her turn at the stuffing machine.

As I looked around at all of the parents there with their little kids that were probably aged 9 and below, I couldn’t help wondering: what in the world were they thinking when they looked at us???  But as is often the case, it didn’t matter because Kitty was happy.  She was patiently waiting in line, talking to me about what outfits she was going to buy for Piggy, and wondering how she was going to get along with Lady Baa Baa.  Oh, Lady Baa Baa is the stuffed sheep she got on her birthday last year.  So nope: this wasn’t our first foray into Build A Bear…

When it was finally her turn, she let the joy and magic of the place take over, and she did all of the things that the other kids had done: she spun around when she was supposed to, rubbed the little heart between her hands and gave it a kiss, and watched in fascination as the stuffing went into her new friend.  When this process was complete, she took her to the “air bath” to brush her hair and get rid of any bits of stuffing that may have gotten on her pink dress.  Then I trailed behind her as she picked out different outfits, shoes, sunglasses and the like.  Finally, we got to the computers, where she made up Piggy’s birth certificate. 

As we went to the register I told her that I’d buy a couple of outfits for her.  Then I wondered if she was really going to pay for all of the remaining items she’d acquired, or if she was going to try to get me to do so.  I’m sure you know the answer to that one!  Yep: I fall for it every time.  This time she said if Piggy had more clothes, then she and Baa Baa could trade outfits.  Really Kitty?   But by the time we got out of there Ms. Piggy had more clothes than I do!  Plus we’d bought enough for the cashier to give us 2 gift cards and 2 sets of Easter egg coloring kits.  So Kitty had quite a haul!  So much so, that she felt magnanimous enough to let me go into Yankee Candle, where she helped to load me up with Vineyard scented candles.  And we know how economically priced their merchandise is, ha ha!

I usually say that you can judge how happy Kitty is by how loudly she hums.  Can I tell you: she started humming from the moment we got in the car, all the way up the Northway to Exit 19??  I kept surreptitiously turning up the radio but she still hummed away as she brushed Piggy’s hair, and looked at her outfits, and decided I needed to take her to Red Lobster for lunch.  REALLY Kitty???

Yes, I took her to Red Lobster.  And yes: she brought Ms. Piggy in with her.  And yes; Ms. Piggy was sitting right across from me, staring at me with her big Piggy eyes.  But I’m so used to Kitty and her whimsy, at one point I decided that I’d join in.  When I saw her break off a little piece of biscuit and hold it to Piggy’s mouth, I said, “Honey, does Ms. Piggy like the cheddar bay biscuits?”  She looked at me like I was crazy and said, “She’s not real mom, she didn’t eat it!”  That was the end of the whimsy for me.

Other than that, lunch was good, Kitty had a great day and as we say in my family: when Kitty is happy, everyone is happy!  And that’s the way it should always be 😊