First and foremost: I love my mother. Everybody adores her because she’s so little and cute. But beneath that cute veneer lies the soul of a very shrewd woman who always gets her way.
On that particular Sunday, I took my mother to church as I usually do on Sunday mornings. I was planning to drop her off at home afterwards so I could lounge around my house and do nothing but eat Slushie Pops and watch a marathon of America’s Next Top Model. But that wasn’t to be the case: when we got in the car after church my mother said, “Poor us. We don’t have anything in the house for me to cook for dinner, and your sister is going to be so hungry when she gets home from work. I’d really like to go to Price Chopper to get something for me to cook. We haven’t eaten all week.” Now I know that my mother and sister did not STARVE themselves the entire week. This was obviously said for emphasis, so I would feel sorry for them and therefore take my mother to PC. However, because I’m a glutton for punishment, I said, “Well you know, I DID go to PC yesterday and you know I did because you had me pay your National Grid bill.”
Now I hear this heavy sigh coming from the passenger side, so I tried to compromise. “How about if I take you to Hannaford? It’s right on the way home.” Another sigh, then, “They have pork chops on sale at PC for $.99 a pound, so I could make pork chop casserole for your poor sister.” Ugh! “Fine mom. Can we just go to the little PC, or do you have to go to the big one?” “I’m sure the big one will have more variety, so we’ll go there.” Point one for mom…
So now I need to get some gas, so we pass her house and I go to Stewarts. I pump the gas and go in to pay. When I come back to the car, I hear this sigh from the passenger seat. “Yes Marie?” “I sure do wish I could change my clothes first.” “Mom, we already passed your house.” “We did?” “Yes! You know you live before Stewarts!” Sigh. “That’s okay; I don’t want to inconvenience you. It’s just these shoes might slow me down in the store.” Heaven forbid anything slow her down! “Fine, you can change your clothes.” So I turn around and take her to her house. “Did you want to come in?” “No, I’ll just wait here in the car. Hurry up!” Point two for mom…
She finally comes back out in her “comfort” outfit, including little white sneakers; and we’re on our way. The real fun begins when we actually get to the store. I’m tall and she’s short, barely five feet, so I have to adjust my 5'10" stride to hers. And God bless her heart: every time we go to the store it’s like it’s the first time she's ever been out of the house, and she wants to see EVERYTHING. First stop: produce. “These strawberries are only $1.49! I’m going to get one. It’s not on my list, but maybe I have enough to get them.” “Yes, get the strawberries Mom. The blackberries are on sale 2/$3.” “I hate blackberries.” Sigh, this time from me! “Would you like for me to buy you something?” “That’s okay mom.” “But you were nice enough to bring me here.” “Okay, I’ll take a piece of watermelon.” “Okay, you pick it out and I’ll pay for it.” “Thanks Marie.” Next stop: bakery. “Let’s see if they have any of those diamond rolls that I loved so much.” “Mom, they haven’t had them in like 3 years.” “They might have some today.” And of course: they didn’t!
We round the end of that section to get to the meat. “Now do you think your sister would rather have pork chop casserole or fiesta chicken?” “I thought we came here because the pork chops are on sale?” “But I’d need green peppers and onions and all of that if I do the casserole.” “So do the chicken Mom.” By this time we’re at the pork chops, so she puts a package of that in the cart! “You’re making the casserole?” “Well no, but I can’t pass up chops at this price!” Oy vey!
“Where’s the chicken?” “We passed it already Marie.” “I didn’t see it.” “We were looking at the chicken wings!” “I don’t remember.” So we backtrack and I find her a nice package of chicken thighs that is $2 off. Hooray! Into the cart they go. “Now I just need salsa and rice.” “They’re in the same aisle, so let’s go.” We make it to international aisle without incident, and we stop in front of the rice. “It’s so expensive!” “Yes it is. But since you have hearty eaters at your house, just get the big box.” “I hope your sister gave me enough money.” “If you don’t have enough I’ll chip in!” “Okay.” I’ve lost track of the points by now…
The salsa is just up the aisle from the rice. “What kind of salsa do you want Mom? We like the Taco Bell Salsa at my house.” “I’ll just get the store brand.” “Big or little?” “Hmm, what’s this?” “Ortega.” “Well that’s on sale and it’s the same price as the store brand.” “So did you want the Ortega?” “Yes, medium.” That was the most painless part of the shopping expedition. “I need stewed tomatoes too.” “They’re right around the corner.” She’s perusing the stewed tomatoes. “I don’t see any Italian stewed tomatoes in the store brand.” “They’re out; but here’s Del Monte Italian stewed tomatoes.” “They’re too expensive.” “I’ll buy them for you.” “You don’t have any money.” “If you want a can of Italian stewed tomatoes, I’ll get one for you.” “Okay. I’ll take 2.” By this time I know she is trying to kill me slowly…
So now I’m psyched because I think we’re on our way to the checkout but alas: it was not so. “As long as we’re here I just want to look at the plants. Not because I can afford to buy any, but I like looking at them.” She looked up at me. “Do you have any money?” “Not for plants mom.” “Oh. We’ll just look at them then.” Uh huh. The frozen food section was on the way, and I happened to notice that the Marie Callender meals were on sale: the Cadillac of TV dinners. “Hold up mom, I’m going to get some TV dinners for work this week. I buy my lunch one day, and I can get 4 meals for the other days.” I had chosen my 4 meals when my mother said, “Oh, look at that pot pie. If I had one, I would go right home and make it. I’ve never had a Marie Callender pot pie before.” “Would you like me to get you one?” “Oh no, you already have 4 and that’s the sale.” “I’ll just swap one of mine out and you can have your pot pie.” “If you insist, thank you.” So I put back my beef with broccoli and got her the turkey pot pie. “Oh look at these little cans of mushrooms. I’ll get 2 for when I make the casserole.” Those went in the cart as well.
FINALLY we make it to the plants. “Oh, look how beautiful they all are!” “Yes they are.” “Look at these little plants: they are 2/$5.” “The mini roses are 3/$10.” “I think the plants are a better buy. I hope I have enough to get them. Let me add up what’s in the cart.” “No mom, just get what you want.” “Are you sure you don’t have any money?” “What do you need mom?” “Do you have $20 until I get home, in case I need it?” I reached into my wallet and gave her a $20. “I thought you said you didn’t have any money?” “Just take it Marie!”
So she puts an ivy and another green plant in the cart; then looks at the mini roses which were really very pretty. I decide to pretend to be helpful and interested. “Look at the white ones mom; they have a hint of green around the edges.” “It is pretty and what about the peachy orange ones? Look how healthy they are!” “You can get the white one and a couple of the peach ones.” “Well I wouldn’t do that; I want them all the same color so I’ll just get the peach ones.” Another sigh from me as she lifts each peach one, inspects it, smells it: and finally makes her decision. I help her put the 3 pots in the cart, and now I hear another sigh. “I think I’ll have to put the plants back.” “Why?” “I really don’t think I’ll have enough. Should I put back the ivy or the other green plant?” “Why don’t we just put back the watermelon?” “I’m buying that for you! I’ll keep the ivy.” She puts the plant back, and then looks at her 2 cans of mushrooms. “I think I should put these back too, just in case.” “I’ll put them back for you." "You mean I can't have them?" "I'll pay for the mushrooms Marie! Are you ready to go now?” “Yes, we can go now.” Hallelujah!
So all in all: that’s approximately 90 minutes that I’ll never get back. And surprise, surprise: when she got to the register her items came to less than she thought it would, and I got my $20 back. So it was a win/win for each of us. Or should I say for her, since as usual she got everything she wanted. Hey, at least I got a piece of watermelon out of the deal, and had a reason to have a cocktail when I got home!
Even though she makes me nuts, Marie is always good for a funny story. Stay tuned for more!
No comments:
Post a Comment