U Can't See Me

I have known for a long time that I have a superpower.  I wish I had more control over it, but unfortunately it only occurs periodically: and that’s when I’m in my car.  You see, when I’m in my car, I’m invisible. I know this is true, because if people could see me, then they wouldn’t be doing/saying/wearing what they are while I’m in my car.

For instance, late Friday afternoon I took Kitty to Blockbuster because she just had to have a DVD.  Yes I know she’s the only person who still goes to the actual store, but I digress.  Anyhoo, I opted to stay in the air-conditioned car because it was still almost 90 degrees and I had the air on.  As I’m sitting there, idly watching the world go by, this car pulled in ahead of me.  I watched as a couple got out, and great googly-moogly: let me tell you what I saw.  A woman got out of the driver side.  She was wearing a tank top and a pair of shorts.  Neither article of clothing would have been bad, if she had either a) realized she had big boobs; b) realized said boobs needed to be in a bra; c) worn underwear; and d) realized said missing underwear would have aided in keeping said knit shorts out of her butt.  Fortunately, the man she was with fared better than she did.  Although you could tell that the waistband of his shorts was under his belly, at least it appeared that he was wearing underwear and surprisingly didn’t have moobs.

Even though I wasn’t too happy with what I saw, it’s not the worst thing I’ve seen while sitting invisibly in a vehicle.  One time I was on the highway in a truck, which sat very high up.  I looked out the window and saw a man – let’s just say he was REALLY enjoying his afternoon commute ALONE.  Seriously???  Both hands on the wheel buddy!  And I mean the STEERING wheel!

When we lived at 441, I had grown to hate going into the house, because there was such a bad vibe about that place.  So I would sit in the car in the parking area in the back and read, or just collect my thoughts before sucking it up to go inside.  As I was sitting there one day, I noticed the next door neighbor and a new “friend” christening his new motorcycle.  It’s not like you can roll down the window and yell “Get a room!” because then they know you’re there and will end up not liking you.  The best bet was for me to just avert my eyes and try to hum loudly to drown out any other sounds emanating from between the bushes.  And those sounds were NOT melodic!

I also got to see a few drug sales go down while in my Taurus.  After all, there were at least 2 drug dealers also living at 441 during any given time.  6 apartments in that place and during my entire tenancy there were always drug dealers living there that the landlord didn’t do anything about.  Or I’d see “Mr. Swastika”, as I dubbed one of the neighbors due to the fact he never wore a shirt and had a big swastika tattoo on his chest, sitting out in the back with his cronies, smoking pot and drinking beer.  He’s the same guy that had a sign on his door that read, “Both me and my wife are on probation, so no alcohol or drugs are allowed inside.”  Guess that’s why he was outside!

But I wish I had Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility so I could really be invisible sometimes though.  What a rush that would be!  So instead of seeing random people that look like they’re from the people of Wal-Mart website, I can be selective with what I want to see.  Wow, I can think of lots of places, and people, I'd like to see while wearing that cloak.  Hmm, I’ll have to work on that J

 

Chew On This

Her Majesty Ms. Kitty doesn’t drive.  She says she’s afraid of getting in an accident, which is smart on her part.  This means that I run errands for her.  I usually don’t mind because I can stop by the grocery store on my way home from work.  But one night it’s like 9:00, and she decides that she wants Lucky Charms cereal.  Wait: not wants, NEEDS Lucky Charms.  For dessert.  Or a bedtime snack.  Or something else totally unrelated to breakfast.  And when Kitty sets her mind on something, you’d better take care of it or prepare to be harassed beyond human endurance!  Like she’s harassing me now.  About her manuscript.  That I’m supposed to be editing.  But instead I'm writing this blog entry…

Anyhoo, as I was on my way to my local Hannaford muttering under my breath about ungrateful children with a sense of entitlement, I started wondering: whose idea was it to put marshmallows in cereal?  Regardless of whom it was let me tell you: it was a bad idea.  The reasons should be obvious.  First of all, any cereal that would have marshmallows in it already has too much sugar.  Second, the marshmallows taste fake and they squeak between your teeth. That’s just annoying.  They’re generally hard, like they’re stale already, and even if the milk does soften them up a bit, they just turn slimy and still squeak: plus now your milk is a funky color like you had a bowl of Kaboom cereal.  That may be fun for kids; but not for adults that are kids at heart and like a sweetened cereal every now and again instead of bran flakes with flaxseed!

While I’m thinking of marshmallows, why is it that when you make your own rice krispies treats they’re wonderfully gooey and delicious, but when you buy them pre-packaged they’re hard and cut up your mouth?  Is the secret ingredient tiny shards of razor blades?  Sometimes I don’t have the time or the inclination to make them so I’ll buy a couple; but it’s like inviting cuts and wounds into your mouth.   Maybe that’s the price of being lazy.  And that kind of dims the enjoyment of eating the marshmallow treat, or anything else for the next day or two.

Don’t get me wrong because I love marshmallows, but what’s the real premise behind marshmallow peeps?  Marshmallows covered with granulated sugar? I like the animal shapes but can’t stand that sugar crunching between my teeth.  But then again, maybe as an adult I shouldn’t be eating them.  I have several friends that still like them, which defies explanation; and they say they taste better stale.  Mmm, hardened marshmallow with crunchy sugar: what a treat!  Who can resist a piece of heaven like that?

You know what I think?  If someone is so hot for sugar, which is basically all that peeps are, pixy Stix would be the way to go.  I shouldn’t admit this but I absolutely love them, much to the chagrin of my friends.  Colored sugar: yum!  And before you ask: the reason why I don’t mind pixy Stix sugar as opposed to marshmallow peep sugar is because I don’t chew the pixy Stix; I just let them dissolve in my mouth for a delightfully legal (sugar) buzz.  Delicious!

And if you pour pixy Stix into your hand it looks like kool-aid, which I enjoy as a refreshing summertime drink.  However, just because they look like Kool-Aid, you can’t add pixy Stix to water for a refreshing beverage.  First you wouldn’t have enough pixy Stix sugar to make a sweetened beverage.  Second, it would be more expensive to buy a hundred pixy Stix for a pitcher of beverage, when you can buy a packet of kool-aid for 25 cents and sweeten to your own taste; or an entire canister for less than $3.00.  In these tough economic times, we need to err on the side of monetary caution.

You may be wondering:  what’s the difference between kool-aid and the poor-man’s imitation stuff, besides the name and price?   Nothing that I can taste.  Sweet colored water is sweet colored water, in my book.  I shouldn’t be drinking it but sometimes my inner child still wins!  Plus, you can freeze some for ice cubes for double the fun!

But why is it that ice cubes, when they melt, don’t make your glass overflow?  I’m sure Her Majesty Ms. Kitty, or Queen Huff ‘N Puff as her sister calls her, could answer that one, but I don’t want her to know that there’s another science question her mother isn’t smart enough to answer.

Getting back to my shopping trip:  when I returned home from Hannaford, Kitty was in her bedroom.  I put the cereal on the table and went to tell her it was there.  I opened her room door, and she was asleep!  Are you kidding me?  I made that trip to Hannaford for nothing…

Defeated, or outsmarted, depending on how you look at it, I went into the kitchen, got out the milk and a bowl, and poured myself some Lucky Charms.  As I sat there chewing and stewing and squeaking I couldn’t help wondering: why would anyone want cereal with marshmallows in it?

Welcome to my Mood

If I had a boat I would sail into

the Sea of Forgetfulness.

When I’m midway across I’ll drop anchor

and wait for sunset.

As the last vestiges of color sink below

the horizon.

I’ll release my memories of you,

one by one,

into the onyx depths.

Each smile, each kiss, each touch

will disappear as though Merlin’s

Wand was brandished in air.

Each word, broken promise and betrayal

is erased as the night closes in

on me, aboard my vessel.

When the last ripple is stilled I

wait for dawn to be sure

nothing rises to the surface.

Then instead of going back

I sail forward:

away from the Sea of Forgetfulness,

away from who I was with you

and into the blank slate of tomorrow.

Soothing the Savage Beasts

This might sound odd (have you met me?) but every night before bed and every morning before I leave for work I turn the living room TV on for the pets.  I just think that they need a little noise or something to keep them company during the night.  Sure they should be sleeping but still: I believe that they like it.  After all, I like having the radio on all night so I wake up to sound.  Why shouldn’t they?  And if we are all leaving for the day, this way they still have human sounds or something to keep them company.

Of course there has to be an issue with this, because depending on who is the last one to bed or the last one out the door in the morning, the channel can be changed by someone else.  We didn’t used to have this problem, because we’d set the TV on “Soundscapes”, soothing New-Age music and nature sounds.  What cat or little dog wouldn’t like that?

But after a while, when Kitty started putting it on that channel all the time when she was home: well, this really started to grate on my nerves.  It made me feel lazy and sleepy.  So then I’d put it on the Easy Listening channel, which was light and mild but wouldn’t put the pets into a catatonic state.

This worked for a while, but then Brie decided the pets needed something to perk them up.  So that meant: the hip-hop channel!  No worries about any sleeping during this!  She wouldn’t do it at night, but when she’d leave the house so the pets could “cat daddy”, apparently.  But this drove Kitty nuts so she’d scowl and put it back on Soundscapes.

I really love old-school jazz, like Cannonball Adderly, John Coltrane, Art Tatum and Billy Strayhorn.  On the weekends I get to listen to a lot of this jazz, so I started leaving the TV on the Real Jazz station so the pets could listen to what I’d be listening to in my room.  The girls respected this so I figured I had won; then Sunday mornings before church I’d turn to the Daystar channel so the pets could have some religion.  (Lord knows they need Jesus.)  Or if I was doing “church at home”, I’d turn the radio on to the Moody Bible station so we could listen live to the services at the Moody Bible Church in Chicago.  I really think they like when I do that because I’ll sit in the living room with them, and they’d gather around (Pumpkin with the place of honor in my lap, of course) so we could enjoy what Erwin Lutzer was preaching about.  The bonus was that the girls would usually still be in bed so it was just me and my furry friends.

Both girls do not like if I leave the TV on TNT in the morning when “Charmed” is on.  I just love that show, or at least the first 2 seasons when Shannon Doherty was up there.  I still watch the reruns if I’m home.  But they don’t think the pets should watch a show that has witches in it, so as soon as someone else gets up they immediately turn it.

This morning I happened to turn to Classic VH1.  One of my favorite old videos, “Dude Looks Like a Lady” was on. I just love Aerosmith!  Especially Joe Perry: the best thighs in rock!  After that they showed KISS’s classic “Rock ‘N Roll All Night” and hey: who doesn’t still drool over Paul Stanley??  So that was the channel I left it on for the pets to enjoy.  Sure it’s unusual for videos nowadays to actually be playing on a music channel, so I thought it would be good for the pets to see and enjoy the same videos I enjoyed in the 80’s and early 90s J.

Now that I think of it, I wonder why we go to so much trouble to make sure the pets have human sounds.  They sleep upstairs anyway!  It’s just another example of how we try to humanize our pets.  As if they don’t already think they’re people…

Thursday

Even though it’s Thursday, today is my Friday.  I have tomorrow off from work.  The reason for this is…wait for it…July 1^st is the beginning of Kitty-pa-looza!  That’s right: Kitty’s birthday is Sunday, so of course we will be celebrating it all weekend long!

I was told that Kitty-pa-looza is my fault.  You know us single mothers: have to go above and beyond for the kids!  When I worked at the oldies radio station, every summer they would hold "Summer Jam" on West Mountain on July 3rd.  There would be music groups from the 60s and 70s; and as an employee of course I had back stage access, etc. with my girls.  There would be upwards of 30,000 people there; and each time we went I would tie balloons to Kitty's wrists since July 3rd is her birthday; and after the groups performed there would be fireworks!  So naturally as a little girl Kitty always thought that "Summer Jam" was her birthday party.  Trust me: I was very sad when they stopped doing Summer Jam and I left the radio station because then I had to throw the birthday parties!  But those are great memories, because what other child could boast 30,000 people at her birthday party??? Only Kitty!

So what exactly will Kitty-pa-looza entail this year?  A whole host of things that make me tired just to think of them.  But here is what’s on the agenda for 2011 (schedule subject to change):

·         Friday:

o   Hair appointments for all!

o   A trip to Build-A-Bear Workshop where Kitty and Brie will build their own stuffed animals.  No bears for them: a monkey for Brie and a special edition lamb for Kitty, which she has already named Lady Baa Baa.

o   A trip to BSW for trendy eye shadows for Kitty.

o   Visiting our favorite Popeye’s restaurant for Wicked Chicken and biscuits

o   Going to see “Mr. Popper’s Penguins”.  Remember: Brie is 30 and Kitty will be 26.

·         Saturday:

o   Shopping for Kitty

o   Getting her fishing license (she loves to fish; I love to read while she’s fishing).

o   Kitty’s birthday dinner with family friends at Siam Thai Sushi (I will NOT be eating sushi, but I love their crab Rangoons, steamed dumplings and shrimp on a stick).

o   Home for cake #1

·         Sunday:

o   Pick up Kitty’s real cake at Price Chopper.  Hawaiian theme and coconut (to ensure that I won’t be able to eat any 😒)

o   Lisa J’s annual party at Glen Lake, always including the best pork EVER, all the food you can possibly eat and real professional fireworks to rival those of the Great Escape.  We are using this as Kitty’s party (thanks Lisa & Tim!) and all we’ll need to bring is Kitty’s cake and the best pasta salad around (mine!).

·         Monday (the 4^th):

o   Sleep?  No?  Then the family barbecue at my house.  There won’t be any cake left from Lisa’s, so I’ll do a cheesecake/chocolate mousse pie.  (Apparently I will have to rest when I return to work on Tuesday.)

If I have any money left after Kitty-pa-looza, it will be the first time.  But you know what: I don’t even care! It’s Kitty’s birthday weekend!  When Kitty’s happy: everybody’s happy!  And isn’t that what it’s all about?  Whoo hoo!!

Hope you have a safe and happy 4^th of July 🎆

Cracklin' Rosie

I used to be a radio station deejay in this area for an oldies station, and I loved it.  But even though it seems like you’re getting paid to do nothing but listen to music, you really don’t have too much time to kick back and listen to what you’re playing.  You have to cue up your next commercial/song, take phone calls, make sure the news guy is ready to go on, read the weather…you’ve got a pretty full plate.

One Sunday afternoon, I let a friend twist my arm into going to my favorite local restaurant for lunch.  Well, maybe twist is too strong of a word: he said “hungry?” and I did a u-turn in the middle of the road to go to the Peppermill.

Regardless of how I ended up there, we began to peruse the menu; even though I have it memorized and could quote it in my sleep.  My old radio station was playing in the background.  “Oh how fun, it’s Dave’s station,” I commented, trying to decide between the hot roast beef sandwich and the sirloin steak salad.  Even though Dave no longer owns the station, that’s still how I refer to it.

Suddenly an old Neil Diamond song came on, one I had probably played 30 times over the years.  But for some reason, on this day I happened to start listening to what he was singing, and then I started thinking...wtf?

Let’s start with the name of the song: “Cracklin’ Rosie”.  Why, exactly, was this her name?  What, exactly, did the ‘cracklin’ part signify?  Were her clothes too starchy?  Did she have cellophane in her pockets?  Did she wear so much make-up her face cracked when she smiled?  Or was she from the south and sold fried pork products from a roadside stand?

While we were listening to Mr. Diamond, it made me think of another song he had recorded that had an aura of ridiculousness to it.  How about “I Am, I Said”?  Apparently he said this to no one there, and no one heard him not even the chair?  I understand putting words together for the sake of a rhyming scheme, but shouldn’t those words make at least a modicum of sense?

And it isn’t just Neil Diamond.  What about the song “Tarzan Boy” by Baltimora?  Was he on his own like Tarzan boy because he lived in the jungle, lived with animals, or didn’t bathe?  That will certainly keep you alone!

“Vienna Calling” by Falco is a favorite of song of mine, but the only words in English are “Vienna Calling”.  So nothing makes sense!  But you can dance to it, and trust me: I have!

And we probably shouldn’t even delve into the world of rap!  I’ll mention one name: Juvenile.  Forget rhyme scheme, forget sense, you can’t understand a word he says except the word “Hah!”  But he does wear a lot of nice bling, even if he does sound like Mush mouth from Fat Albert.  Brie was out one night at her favorite club and the song “Back That A$$ Up” by Juvenile came on.  One of her exes came up to dance with her and decided to sing along with Juvenile.  According to her, this is what Dev was singing: “Heebie jeebie he said, and then they said, vouléz vous couché may, who-dee-hoo yay!”  Seriously: and what‘s with the French, Dev?  Do you really think that those are the words?  But then again: who knows what the words are, so maybe he was right!  And every time Brie tells me this story I laugh and laugh because I can just picture it.  Love you Dev!

How about when you hear a hip hop song on the radio, and you like the beat, you like the lyrics and you go to iTunes to download it.  Then you realize you are now listening to the uncensored version and your ears start to bleed?  This happened to me when I downloaded a beautiful song by Drake.  “Baby You’re the Best” is such a pretty song, and one that you’d like for your significant other to sing to you.  But in the uncensored version not only are you the best, you’re the f*&king best, over and over again.  Perhaps this can be viewed as a compliment, but by the 20^th time he sings it: not so much.

However,  if I was going to be perfectly honest I do have to say that for some reason, there is a song that has a lot of naughty words in it but I don’t mind because it just sounds so…dirty and sexy.  (Don’t tell my mother!)  It’s “Gravel Pit” by the Wu-Tang Clan.  Between Method Man, Ghost Face, U-God and Raekwon they rap some hardcore lyrics but the way they play out in the song: it’s golden.  And plus: somehow it doesn’t seem to be gratuitous profanity.  So I’m giving Wu-Tang a pass.

But as for those other songs: who am I to judge?   Whether I understand the premise, words or not, profanity or not, there is SOMEBODY out there who is saying, “Hey, that’s my favorite song!”

~*~

I Wrote This???

Sometimes I wonder exactly what goes through my mind when I write poetry.  I start out with a thought, and then it’s like the poem takes over and writes itself; and I’m VERY surprised with the results!

I was going through some of my old stuff, and I found one such poem.  Written several years ago, I can guarantee to you that this never happened to me, but it made for an interesting read when I was done with it.  So here you go, for your enjoyment and edification!

SATURDAY NIGHT

Lace and ribbon, buttons in rows.

Look at us: we’re dressed like hos!

Satin and silk, leather and suede.

Yeah girlfriend, we’re gonna get laid!

Thigh-high boots and not much skirt;

Low cut tops: we’re set to work.

As usual we have a plan:

Tonight we find a one-time man!

At the club sexy dancing’s a must.

In no time guys are looking at us.

I soon pick one; we slip out the door.

Head for his car: need I say more?

My best girlfriend is doing the same.

I wonder if she got his name?

Yes we have protection at hand.

You need that with a one-time man.

Once in a while, just to unwind,

Everyone needs an anonymous grind.

Back in the club, thanks and goodbye.

Next time: another lucky guy!

‘Nuff said.