Chew On This

Her Majesty Ms. Kitty doesn’t drive.  She says she’s afraid of getting in an accident, which is smart on her part.  This means that I run errands for her.  I usually don’t mind because I can stop by the grocery store on my way home from work.  But one night it’s like 9:00, and she decides that she wants Lucky Charms cereal.  Wait: not wants, NEEDS Lucky Charms.  For dessert.  Or a bedtime snack.  Or something else totally unrelated to breakfast.  And when Kitty sets her mind on something, you’d better take care of it or prepare to be harassed beyond human endurance!  Like she’s harassing me now.  About her manuscript.  That I’m supposed to be editing.  But instead I'm writing this blog entry…

Anyhoo, as I was on my way to my local Hannaford muttering under my breath about ungrateful children with a sense of entitlement, I started wondering: whose idea was it to put marshmallows in cereal?  Regardless of whom it was let me tell you: it was a bad idea.  The reasons should be obvious.  First of all, any cereal that would have marshmallows in it already has too much sugar.  Second, the marshmallows taste fake and they squeak between your teeth. That’s just annoying.  They’re generally hard, like they’re stale already, and even if the milk does soften them up a bit, they just turn slimy and still squeak: plus now your milk is a funky color like you had a bowl of Kaboom cereal.  That may be fun for kids; but not for adults that are kids at heart and like a sweetened cereal every now and again instead of bran flakes with flaxseed!

While I’m thinking of marshmallows, why is it that when you make your own rice krispies treats they’re wonderfully gooey and delicious, but when you buy them pre-packaged they’re hard and cut up your mouth?  Is the secret ingredient tiny shards of razor blades?  Sometimes I don’t have the time or the inclination to make them so I’ll buy a couple; but it’s like inviting cuts and wounds into your mouth.   Maybe that’s the price of being lazy.  And that kind of dims the enjoyment of eating the marshmallow treat, or anything else for the next day or two.

Don’t get me wrong because I love marshmallows, but what’s the real premise behind marshmallow peeps?  Marshmallows covered with granulated sugar? I like the animal shapes but can’t stand that sugar crunching between my teeth.  But then again, maybe as an adult I shouldn’t be eating them.  I have several friends that still like them, which defies explanation; and they say they taste better stale.  Mmm, hardened marshmallow with crunchy sugar: what a treat!  Who can resist a piece of heaven like that?

You know what I think?  If someone is so hot for sugar, which is basically all that peeps are, pixy Stix would be the way to go.  I shouldn’t admit this but I absolutely love them, much to the chagrin of my friends.  Colored sugar: yum!  And before you ask: the reason why I don’t mind pixy Stix sugar as opposed to marshmallow peep sugar is because I don’t chew the pixy Stix; I just let them dissolve in my mouth for a delightfully legal (sugar) buzz.  Delicious!

And if you pour pixy Stix into your hand it looks like kool-aid, which I enjoy as a refreshing summertime drink.  However, just because they look like Kool-Aid, you can’t add pixy Stix to water for a refreshing beverage.  First you wouldn’t have enough pixy Stix sugar to make a sweetened beverage.  Second, it would be more expensive to buy a hundred pixy Stix for a pitcher of beverage, when you can buy a packet of kool-aid for 25 cents and sweeten to your own taste; or an entire canister for less than $3.00.  In these tough economic times, we need to err on the side of monetary caution.

You may be wondering:  what’s the difference between kool-aid and the poor-man’s imitation stuff, besides the name and price?   Nothing that I can taste.  Sweet colored water is sweet colored water, in my book.  I shouldn’t be drinking it but sometimes my inner child still wins!  Plus, you can freeze some for ice cubes for double the fun!

But why is it that ice cubes, when they melt, don’t make your glass overflow?  I’m sure Her Majesty Ms. Kitty, or Queen Huff ‘N Puff as her sister calls her, could answer that one, but I don’t want her to know that there’s another science question her mother isn’t smart enough to answer.

Getting back to my shopping trip:  when I returned home from Hannaford, Kitty was in her bedroom.  I put the cereal on the table and went to tell her it was there.  I opened her room door, and she was asleep!  Are you kidding me?  I made that trip to Hannaford for nothing…

Defeated, or outsmarted, depending on how you look at it, I went into the kitchen, got out the milk and a bowl, and poured myself some Lucky Charms.  As I sat there chewing and stewing and squeaking I couldn’t help wondering: why would anyone want cereal with marshmallows in it?