Well that’s simple: it’s Kitty. Anytime I may have a little increase in the old ego-department, she makes sure she brings me back to earth. She isn’t mean about it. She just keeps it real.
Kitty is autistic and sometimes exhibits a bit of Asperger’s syndrome, which in my laymen’s terms means sometimes the filter doesn’t work as quickly as it should before she says something. What she says isn’t rude, it’s just her telling it like it is before she has a chance to…pretty it up.
Back in the day when I actually thought I had a chance of dating again, my friend Susan called and suggested we go out dancing. Seemed like a good idea to me, since I really enjoy dancing. She advised me to wear something “fetching” in case any cute guys were out. So I got off the phone, got ready, put on a “fetching” outfit and went into the living room for both girls’ perusal. “How do I look?” I asked. Before Brie could say anything Kitty said, “Mom you look so pretty. Just like a stripper!” I thanked her, and then immediately returned to my room to put on something that didn’t make me look like I’d be working a pole later.
It didn’t get much better as she got older. A few years ago I had bought a new outfit, put it on and asked her, “Does mom look fat in this outfit?” She replied, “No, you just look squishy, like a mom.” Yep: I took the outfit back. Sure squishy might be nice for a settled, happily married matron secure in her husband’s love and wearing knit pastel stretch pants with the sewn-in crease down the front, but that wasn’t the look I was going for. The squishy outfit was OUT!
And it isn’t just clothes. I came into the house one spring day and she looked at my hair and said, “Mom, how windy is it outside?” Hmm, since there was no wind…apparently the “tousled bed-head” look wasn’t for me!
Maybe it isn’t the autism, because her sister was the same way when she was young. We were living at my parents, and they were getting ready to go to church. Little Brie took one look at her grandmother’s paisley print dress and said, “Grandma! You look like you’ve been scraped, scratched and screwed!” I had no idea what that even meant but I burst out laughing as I clapped my hand over her little mouth. My mother gave us both a dirty look and left. Hey, it wasn’t a great-looking dress, but I would have been more diplomatic in my description!
Or the time she asked my sister if she was wearing Garanimals, because her top and bottom matched!
But the latest incident with Kitty was one for the record books. I have recently discovered Twitter, and I’m using it to network for my books and blog. So I follow some people that may seem rather unusual and random for me, but there’s a method to my madness. So each time someone “famous” tweets me back or direct messages me, I run to tell Brie because I know she’ll be jealous. No, that isn’t the method to my madness but I have to admit: I get a little twinge of satisfaction when I get celebrity tweets and she doesn’t. Kitty doesn’t exactly understand Twitter (like I do???) so she doesn’t pay any attention.
One evening a couple of weeks ago I’m checking Twitter, and lo and behold Joel Madden tweeted me back. I know how much Brie loves Good Charlotte, so I had to run and tell her. I knocked on her door and she and Kitty both opened their room doors at the same time. “Guess what? Joel Madden tweeted me!” As I knew she would be, Brie was totally jealous! But Kitty said, “Joel Madden?” I said, “Yes, he’s in a band and is married to Nicole Richie.” “He’s married to her?” “Yes he is.” Then she just shook her head at me sorrowfully and said, “Mom, has he seen your picture?” She thought it was a dating site! As usual, Brie fell out laughing as I explained to Kitty that it wasn’t a dating site, and I wasn’t trying to steal Nicole Richie’s husband, and yes he HAD seen my picture. Seriously? What was she trying to say: that I’m not as cute as Nicole Richie and couldn’t steal her husband? Thanks for the support!
As I said, I know she’s not trying to be rude but is trying to make sure I am well-grounded in reality and don’t try to steal other people’s husbands. Apparently no one needs to worry about that!
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