I Never Realized That...

 Years ago I was in therapy. Doesn't matter what for, but it was helpful and my therapist was amazing. We built up a great rapport and I trusted her implicitly.

Over the course of our years together, of course we would occasionally discuss my "relationships". I usually had a 2-year limit and then would move on. Apparently I felt that if I wasn't in love, why stick around? That was plenty of time to figure out if it was forever, or temporary.

During one session we were talking about someone that I was in a situation with. Suddenly she said, "Why do you do that?" "Do what?" I asked. "Not call men by their real names." "Of course I call them by name." She studied me for a minute. "No, you actually don't. Take this new guy for instance: you don't call him by name. You call him 'Syracuse'. You call another man 'Jersey'. You called another man 'Pale & Pasty'. And what about 'Yanni Jr' and 'Basle-butt'? Need I go on?"

I was really surprised, as I hadn't even thought about this. But it was true! Even the gentleman who had made it past two years was called Schmoop-Dog, or a derivative of that. 

I was talking to a male friend about this. He confidently said, "You don't do it with all guys. You call me by my name." I had to burst his bubble. "No, I call you Junior." His face fell. "Yeah, that is true."

But getting back to my therapist: she said I did that to keep these people at a distance: even if I was in a relationship with them. Why? Because at the end of the day I subconsciously figured that if certain family members couldn't love me, why would other people? So calling them by their given names would make me feel closer to them. I didn't want that because I figured at some point they wouldn't love me either. Sad but true.

Even though my therapist retired, I still think about her and the conversations we had over those years. And: there are even a couple of guys that I have never given a nickname to. I guess that's progress! So there's a chance that I will let that wall down and actually fall in love someday. Hope springs eternal.