Harder Than I Thought

This isn't anything I've broadcast, but Marie has been declining health-wise this year. I took care of her for over three years. I'm not going to go into detail, bur her diabetes has gotten harder to manage, she has some dementia, diabetic neuropathy and was having trouble walking. She knew that if it got to the point where she couldn't walk: I wouldn't be able to take care of her.

Sadly, we hit that point last Monday at 3 in the morning.  She didn't want to go to the hospital but I knew she needed to go. There wasn't much I could do for her because my left shoulder and lower back are jacked from years of getting her or my father up if they fell; or helping them up from a chair. Bone spurs, a torn tendon, calcium deposits and bursitis: I hope somehow I can avoid surgery. But I digress...

I was able to go to the ER with her. No good news there: I was told that I could no longer care for her at home and she needs 24/7 care now.

It's weird: in the back of my mind I had wondered if I would "get my life back", so to speak. But now that it's imminent: it isn't what I thought it would be. I've become so used to seeing her in my house that it's hard not seeing her there, and knowing she won't be back. I have been sleeping on the couch for a year so I could hear her if she needed anything in the night. I'm still on the couch when I can finally be in my room. I still wake up at 1:30 a.m. and don't fall back to sleep until 3 or 4 a.m. Every night. Her chair is empty. Her sparkling waters are still in the grocery bag. And her snacks from Schmoop-Dog are still by her chair.

Last Thursday she was transported to a facility up north for rehab. But the doctor has already said the dementia will be a big detriment to rehab. So I will have a conference call this Thursday to discuss a plan going forward.

And what does "getting my life back" consist of? Me, like Bella from Twilight, sitting and staring at her empty chair. Yeah: not having Marie here is harder than I thought...