In Flew Enza

When I was in the 6^th grade, my imaginary lover Bobby Kellogg was out of school for approximately 2 weeks due to illness. When he returned, his best friend Mike D’Angelo said to him, “Hey Bobby, I bet is was great to be home watching TV and stuff!” Bobby replied, “Not really.” “Why not?” “All the damn soap operas.”

As you can imagine: I was shocked (and strangely titillated) at the language coming from him! Yet I tell you this story not to discuss my continued unrequited love for Bobby, the heartthrob of Harrison Avenue Elementary School, but because I was out of work for over a week with the flu. Apparently my flu shot didn’t cover influenza A, which is what “flew in”. The only remedy was Tamiflu, which comes with the most expensive copay I’d seen in years. Regardless, today we can change Bobby’s verbiage from soap operas to “all the damn judge shows”.

Usually when I have a day off, I’ll watch Judge Mathis and the People’s Court. I find them very entertaining. And in a pinch: I’ll even watch cranky Judge Judy. But when you’re home, feeling terrible and just dragging from bed to the couch back to bed again: you become a prisoner to those shows. Because that’s basically all that’s on!

And it isn’t just current shows: I came across a Judge Hatchett marathon from 2007! Other marathons: Divorce Court and Paternity Court (not to be confused with Maury Povich’s who- the-baby-daddy shows). I stumbled across a show that had a judge who looked like she was still in high school. I can’t forget Hot Bench, where it takes 3 judges to render a verdict! I could watch judge shows from 10:00 a.m. until 6:00 p.m. And I did! I didn’t have the energy to try to engage in anything else.

I think even the furball sisters, Pumpkin and Lilly Fuzzywig, were tired of those shows. Or maybe they were just tired of me.  Since they think their rightful places are right on top of me or plastered to my legs or sides, any time I coughed it would disturb them and they’d give me dirty looks. How dare I move and interrupt their slumber? Forget about the lung I felt like I was coughing up, or the stars I saw from the migraine of coughing, or the bruised ribs and hurting abs. Those pups wanted me to heed their do-not-disturb signs and be perfectly still so they could snooze 17 hours a day. Haters.

Anyhoo, here’s the list of judge shows I watched because there are now only about 4 “damn soap operas” still on TV: Judge Mathis, People’s Court, Judge Christina Piro, Hot Bench, Judge Alex, Judge Judy, Divorce Court, Paternity Court and that young judge who looks like she should be going to the prom. It was crazy!

Thankfully I am feeling better, back at work and waiting for my voice to return to normal. The Fuzzywig sisters miss me terribly, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, haha. I am not anticipating being “out of work” sick again for a very long time. But if I am: I hope there will be at least one marathon of “America’s Next Top Model” or RuPaul’s Drag Race.  My gavel has come down on the judge shows and they are all guilty of redundancy!