Fractured Fable: Little Red In Da Hood

As many of you know, I belong to a Public Speaking club called Adirondack Toastmasters. A few years ago I entered one of the “Humorous Speech” contests and then wondered what could I do that would be funny enough to actually win? After much thinking I decided that, as the whitest black woman in the area, the funniest thing I could do was rap. So I picked a familiar fable, found a CD of beats, and came up with what you’re about to read. There’s no music here, but try to pick a beat in your head as you read it. And yes: as the whitest black woman in the area, I won J  Holla!

 

Once upon a time not long ago

Lived in a girl in da hood but she weren’t no ‘ho!

She lived with her momma, a sheltered life,

That didn’t contain much stress or strife.

Red knew there was more out there,

And baby girl wanted to see her share.

She looked out the window, every day

Then worked up the courage one day to say,

“Hey momma you know I need more than this.”

“But baby girl right now your life is bliss!”

“It’s boring; I need to see what’s out there.”

“Girl all that danger will curl your hair!”

But Hood continued to plead her best

Till momma finally acquiesced.

“There’s one place I’ll let you go,

To Grandma’s house and don’t be slow.

Take with you some homemade goods

And don’t forget to wear your hood!”

The girl was excited as she could be,

She tied her hood on prettily.

“Thank you mom this will be great!”

“Now hurry up so you’re not late!

“I’ll call granny and let her know

To expect you soon, don’t dawdle so.”

So Little Red Hood went on her way,

Skipping and singing that lovely day.

But after a while she had to slow down

And set her basket on the ground.

She hadn’t known it was this far

And she didn’t even see a car.

The woods were bigger than she thought

The basket was heavy with the goodies she brought.

Her mom had told her not to dawdle

But now her knees began to wobble.

Maybe she should have thought some more

Before she set foot out the door.

She squared her shoulders and soldiered on

To get to granny’s ‘fore the light was gone.

As she started to crossly grumble,

All of a sudden she heard a rumble!

She quickly jumped behind a tree,

“Hey girl, don’t be scared of me!”

Peeking from behind her cover

She saw a Harley Davidson lover.

Dressed in leather from head to toe,

Which was this, a friend or foe?

He took his helmet off his head,

“Girl you got nothing to dread.

It ain’t safe out here by yourself,

Now do you need a little help?”

“Not from you sir, but thanks though,

On your way now, please just go.”

The biker wasn’t done just yet.

His curiosity she had whet.

“Why you out here all alone?

These woods can be a danger zone.”

“I think that I’m beginning to see

What momma was trying to tell me.

I should have stayed at home with her

Instead of being here with you sir!”

“At least come out from behind that tree,

So who I’m talking to I’ll see.”

She took a step from behind the bark

And was glad that it still wasn’t dark.

“I like your hat, is it a snood?”

“Back up foo, don’t touch my hood!”

“I see you’ve got a basket there.

How about me and you just share?”

“These goodies are for my granny see,

Jump back Jack or you’ll feel my knee!”

He placed his hands up, backed away,
“No need for that, but listen, say

How about I give you a ride on my bike?

‘Cause that will save you quite a hike!”

“You think that I was born last night?”

She raised her dukes to put up a fight.

“Come on girl, you can trust me

I have sisters, here are pictures, see?”

Warily she checked them out

And then decided he wasn’t a lout.

“If you try a trick or two

Your butt is going to feel my shoe!”

“Just put this extra helmet on

So in a minute we’ll be gone!

Now just where is your granny’s place?”

“It’s right outside the woods a pace.”

So Little Red got on the back

And placed her basket in the side rack.

“Remember sir, no funny stuff

Or else I’ll have to get real tough!”

“Chill out girl, we’re on our way,

You got anything else to say?”

Little Red said, “Not a peep.”

Then settled on the high “bitch” seat.

The ‘cycle started with a loud roar,

Then the throttle was all but floored!

Like a shot the bike took off,

The exhaust made Little Red cough!

Through the woods the riders rushed,

Jumping logs and dodging brush.

She hung on tight for safety’s sake:

Dirt and stones flew in their wake!

“Please slow down before we crash

And we both end up with road rash! “

“Don’t worry Red!” he shouted back.

“It’s all good, we’re right on track!”

She hung on tightly; said a prayer,

Before she knew it: they were there!

“Here you go Red, safe and sound.”

Shakily her feet touched ground.

“Thanks, I think,” she told her ride.

And got her basket from the side.

“Little Red remember this:

You had better be careful, Miss.

Lucky for you your momma sent me

For the purpose, just to see

How you did on your first trek out.

I’ll have to tell her all about

How you didn’t ask me for I.D.

I could have been a big bad wolf, you see.

So next time don’t accept a ride,

There are safety rules you must abide.

For safety’s sake girl, keep it real,

Or your goodies a guy might steal!”

On that note they heard the door

Out stepped granny, who was five feet four.

“The gentleman’s right,” Granny said.

“You must be careful, or wind up dead!”

Hearing this gave Red a fright,

Luckily, it turned out all right.

But in the future she did vow,

To be more careful, and how!

‘Cause the next biker she might meet:

Could trick her and then take her “treat”!

Word to your mutha!