He Really Said That

For the sake of this post, let's call him Liam.

Liam and I met in the 3rd grade, when we both had the same teacher. As kids we became friends. By the time we were in 9th grade, I had a crush on him. My best friend Emily knew, and she was dating his best friend, but nothing came of it. So I figured we would just remain friends.

After high school everyone went their separate ways, and I lost track of Liam. Then at our 10 year reunion: there he was...with his wife. Ugh. Of course she was slim and attractive and brilliant and had given him two perfect children. He was a rising star in the business world in New York City on Park Avenue. I was a woman raising two daughters alone in our hometown, but didn't feel the need to mention that fact. However, it was good to catch up. 

Our paths didn't cross again for several years. By then there had been some talk amongst some of us ladies in our friend group, and I found out he and his wife had split. And being a woman I thought, "Aah, maybe I have a chance now!"

He had gotten my number and called me one Sunday morning. I was thrilled! We stayed on the phone for over an hour; and it became a regular thing. I loved those calls, and had to laugh when I told him that his best friend knew I had a crush on him. "And he didn't tell me? That son of a bitch." After a couple of minutes he asked, "So what about that crush now?" I didn't really know what to say so I said, "I guess I'm too old for crushes." ""Well I'm not," he replied quietly. "How about we see about that? Next time I'm up that way let's get together." "Okay," I agreed, dazed. Was it finally going to be my turn?

And due to a fortunate twist of fate, my job sent me to a 2-day meeting in New Jersey. I let Liam know I was going to be there, and he lived in New Jersey, not too far from where I'd be. "Let me take you to dinner at my favorite restaurant," he suggested. "I'll pick you up at the hotel." Sounded like a great plan to me! Dinner was amazing and expensive, as was everything about him. But the Liam I knew was still there in spite of his major rise up the corporate ladder and huge success.

One Saturday afternoon in the summer he called me. "I'm in Saratoga. Want to meet me for a drink later?" You already know the answer I gave him! We met at the outdoor lounge of the Adelphi Hotel, which was beautiful. After the drink he suggested a walk. As we walked and talked he reached for my hand. Then he said, "I think that maybe we should see how much chemistry we might have." And with that we stopped walking and he kissed me. Afterwards he said, "Yep: chemistry!" I laughed and we resumed walking. That chemistry kept up as we took a shortcut through the park and ended up by a wall, giving that chemistry a run for its money!

After that night, whenever he would come up we'd get together: for drinks or dinner, one time even with friends from school who seemed a little surprised to see him with me but it was a fun evening nonetheless.

Then one night we met at a great little spot on Broadway, ordering appetizers and drinks: him with his usual wine and me with my usual ginger ale. We talked and laughed over our shrimp cocktail and lamb lollipops. Finally he turned serious, facing me on his barstool. "I need to tell you something." "Okay." He cleared his throat. "I have a girlfriend."

This stopped me in my tracks. "What?" "Yeah...I'm not proud of it but there it is." "Then what are you doing with me Liam?" "Enjoying myself. We have this incredible chemistry and history, and I want to explore that. We can go back to my house here and spend time."

I looked at him, incredulous. "No we can't." He seemed confused. "Why not?" "BECAUSE YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!" "Well, that shouldn't affect you." He took my hand. "Let's just go back to my place." "Absolutely not. You have a girlfriend and I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate you taking me back to your house while she's somewhere thinking you're faithful."

And then he said it. "Why do you care? You don't even know her." I couldn't believe he really said that, showing a total lack of regard for the girlfriend. "I care because I'm a woman. And as a woman, I know how I would feel if my boyfriend was out trying to sleep with someone else. And this isn't a good look for your character, by the way." He took a slow sip of his wine. "So...now what?"  "Kiss me, and then I'm going home." That didn't say much for my character, but I'm only human. We kissed, much to the bartender's chagrin, I'm sure. 😳 Then he walked me to my car, where we kissed some more (I'm still human!) and I got in and left.

I don't know if the girlfriend, now wife, ever found out about that. She was decidedly frosty when I met her at our last reunion (maybe because he was too happy to see me!); and when we ran into each other at the funeral of his best friend's mother last year. But at the end of the day, I'm sure she put up with a lot to marry into that money. So if you sold your soul for an unfaithful millionaire: that's on you. But I can honestly say that I have no regrets. I know my worth and what I deserve. And I'm willing to wait for it.

There's One Born Every Minute!

 I was scrolling through my emails last week and came upon one of those "ghost" ads: you know, the ones with the star as opposed to the actual "sent to you" notice. It was for a lipstick that would adapt to  your natural lip tone to create your perfect shade. Of course I was intrigued, so I clicked on it.

The website certainly said all the right things. It's made for women "of a certain age" who had given up wearing lipstick for various reasons, like now at their age the lipstick bled into the lines around their lips (I don't have lines around my lips); lipstick was feeling too heavy, or they felt like they couldn't wear the colors of their youth. For special occasions I still wear lipstick: typically in a nice dark red or with a hint of mahogany. Those are my signature colors. But what if they weren't my TRUE colors? Shouldn't I buy this lipstick so it could match my lips' natural pH and turn into the perfect color for me?

YES! Thankfully there was an offer for buy one get one free, so I figured Brie needed her perfect lip shade too. (You know Kitty has her own colors that look amazing on her, including dark blue). Brie doesn't even wear lipstick! So with the free shipping, I paid $20 for two lipsticks 😮 I couldn't wait for them to arrive!

After I placed my order, I explored the website a bit more. Hmm...I probably should have done this first because I noticed that all of the women who had ordered this and left a review were white. I am not. Would this make a difference? Let's find out!

The package arrived last Thursday. I eagerly opened the package and took one of the lipsticks out. What a beautiful case! I took the top off, only to discover that the lipstick wasn't exactly the same as it was in the ad. In the ad it was clear with gold flecks. Mine was more of a translucent pink with flecks. However, I was still going to give it a go. I called Brie into the room. "The lipstick is here!"

When she came into the living room I gave her one. "Let's try it!" She looked at it dubiously. "Do you really think this will work?" "Of course! The pH-adaptive formula will adapt to our unique chemistry! One-two-three apply!"

We did. We waited 1 - 2 minutes like the packaging said for our true color to appear. "Um..." Brie began, "I don't think it's working." "Well, let's add another coat and see what happens!"

We could have applied 10 more coats but the result would be the same: hers was a light pink and mine was a dark pink. Somehow I don't think that is my natural and correct color, or Brie's either for that matter. Nope: doesn't work for women of color! There was no color change on my top lip but my bottom lip, because it's lighter in color, was the only thing that took any color and it is too light for me. Sigh...

As PT Barnum supposedly said: there's one born every minute. As Brie often tells me: I can be a bit gullible. Which is better than her calling me a sucker! However, I'm not going to return the lipsticks. It feels really nice, like a lip balm, and lasts a long time, so my lips stay soft. I guess I'll just count that as the win!

And here's the picture:

I'll be going back to my dark red for special occasions!

The New Me

I really liked the old me. However, there comes a time in your life when you realize that you need to rethink who you are and what you do. My time is now.

I'm not changing a lot of things. Just things that I had a distorted view of, so to speak. Take my hair for instance. I've worn it semi-long for quite a while, because I thought it gave me a more youthful appearance. But with certain changes that have occurred in my life: I decided that it was time to go shorter. And by changes: I mean I came to terms with the fact that the longer hair kind of dragged my face down. Who wants that? So I gave my best friend Annette (a marvelous hairdresser, by the way!) free range to shorten it up. And she did! Now it's a cute curly bob with a touch of red in it. So now you can really see my face!

That wasn't the only thing I needed to change. According to Brie, I have body dysmorphia. I don't believe it's true, because I know exactly what I look like. I'm not happy with it, but it is what it is. I was buying clothes in my size but looser. You ladies know what I'm talking about! But Brie was fed up. "Look mother, there is nothing wrong with your figure! You look great for your age and you're not fooling anyone with those terrible jeggings and too-big tops! So get over yourself."

Well that was a bit harsh! But unfortunately she was right. The car accident we were in just over 2 years ago really knocked me off of my trajectory. I was unable to work out the way I used to. There's still some hurting stuff that will probably remain. So I'm not ever going to look like I did when I was dating Yanni Jr. But hey: I still have enough personality and heart to detract from any negatives. 

So what did I find the courage to do? I have finally started wearing the beautiful dresses I have bought, but wouldn't wear because I didn't want to showcase so much of my chocolatey goodness. And guess what? The villagers didn't chase me with torches. Little children didn't hide behind their parents. No one pointed and laughed. I looked like a woman who is able to dress appropriately in clothes that flatter, not hide. And if I have a feeling of insecurity: I fake it until I make it and you can't tell! 

That feeling is very liberating. Hey: I may not look like I did when I modeled in college, but I don't have to! I have finally grown up enough to accept that realization. Even though I can't work out the way I did before the accident, this body can still move. And sometimes look good doing it, haha.

I am embracing my new attitude and I am happier for it. Besides, Erma Bombeck famously wrote, and I'm paraphrasing: don't save your good stuff for that "special" occasion, because you might not live to see that day. So enjoy your good stuff now! And I will. I hope you will too!

Blocked by Elvis

Duran, not Presley. Here's how that came about.

Elvis Duran hosts a morning radio show called Elvis Duran and the Morning Show. I've listened to them for years and found them very entertaining, with my favorite cast member being Danielle Monaro. She's great! Anyway, I followed them on Twitter, and sometimes they would like my tweets or even respond. Nice!

Several years ago my friend Patty Mayonnaise (R.I.P. my friend) had a daughter who had somehow met one of the new young employees of the Elvis show, and they started dating. I remember how lucky I thought she was, as she would have access to the crew. It would be a blast to meet those people, but I wasn't dating any of them, haha. Anyway, things seemed to be going well for the young couple.

But as happens: they hit a bump in the road and were having a rocky time. Patty had told Brie (they worked together) and Brie mentioned it to me. I felt bad, so I sent a tweet to the Elvis show and only said, "I hope Jake and his girlfriend can work out their problems." Imagine my surprise when I got a direct message from Elvis Duran himself: "What do you know about Jake?" Thinking nothing of it, I said, "I know that he and his girl G are going through a rough patch right now." A few minutes later, another response: "We don't want news of this going out to the press." 

I thought he was kidding. I responded with, "I'm not the press." "Then how did you come across this information?" Well now things were getting interesting... "Someone relayed this to me." "WHO??" "I'm not giving out names." Another few minutes passed. "Oh, I see you're a blogger. Look: Jake is young and we protect our own. Who gave you this information?!" "Look, I only wanted to express my hope that they work out their problems. I wasn't looking to start anything. And I don't want the person who told me, to get into trouble. I'm sorry but I wouldn't go to the press with something like this." I mean really: Jake wasn't famous or anything, wasn't part of the actual crew, so I didn't know there'd be such a stink about it. Then came the kicker from Elvis: "You are going to be blocked on all of our sites." And he did block me!

I was nonplussed. Little old me, from a little town in upstate New York, had intimidated Elvis Duran to the point where he had to block me! I felt bad, but actually found it funny. I was happy for the acknowledgement that I was a blogger, and that he thought I had enough power to put Jake's business out in the entertainment streets. However, the reason why I didn't tell him it was Patty Mayonnaise was because I didn't want her daughter, or even Jake, to get mad at her for sharing that information.

 So there you have it: my story of how a famous person felt he had to block me. Elvis, if you're reading this, just know that I actually wasn't blocked. Maxxtopher was, but not Rita! I still had access to the show cast and the show itself. So the joke's on you! 

Fortune Favors...Me!

 Brie and I had to pick up Kitty from work, per usual. We got to TJ Maxx a little early, so I decided to go in and see if there was anything interesting in the specialty area of the store. You know: the area that has different edible goodies that you've never heard of but might like to try. I browsed a bit and saw a bag of dark chocolate covered pecans. Score! I went around the corner to see what else they might have. My eyes saw a small bag that said "Fortune Favors". Hmm...I wondered what that was?

I picked up the bag and it read, "Fortune Favors, Nuts * Enchanted". So far so good! There was a picture of big pecan, and written across it were the words *The Classic* Sweet & Salty Candied Pecans. Ooh, it was speaking my language! I absolutely love pecans, and sweet and salty immediately made me think of Kettle Korn. Yum! So I picked up that package and headed for the checkout.

When I got back to the car I showed Brie what I had bought. "What are these?" she asked. I said, "I think they must be like Kettle Korn. I'll let you know." I opened the bag, took out a couple of the WHOLE pecans and popped them in my mouth. As I chewed I thought: "I now know what happiness tastes like." They were amazing! As advertised: salty, sweet and candied, and the pecans were whole and big. Of course Brie had to ask to try them so reluctantly I let her. She felt the same way but I told her hands off, ha ha.  I knew that the next time Kitty worked I'd go in and buy more.

But alas: as with everything I like, when I went back they didn't have any! I scouted that area and other areas that sell snacks but there were none to be found. I even asked an employee and she said, "Yeah, that's not a regular item so with the specialty area we just take whatever is delivered". Boo to that!

So even though I was sad, I knew that someday, somehow, our paths would cross again.

The next day I googled them to see if they had a website and they did! I had to let them know how amazingly delicious their product was, and hopefully order some. I sent them an email; and imagine my surprise when they actually emailed me back a couple of hours later! That's great customer service; and they thanked me for enjoying them and letting them know. I also  found out that they are in the running for best artisan food in the Madison, Wisconsin area so I told them I would vote for them every day so they could keep their winning streak alive! They were so friendly and asked where I had found the pecans. I told them so maybe they will reach out and sell them at TJ Maxx in upstate New York.

I said I would be ordering their product soon and good luck to them in the contest. And this company was kind enough to actually send me a sample pack of their product! The Classic, the Everything (like the bagel) and the spicy. And it arrived on Valentine's Day! So Fortune Favors was definitely my Valentine this year! 😍

So do yourself a favor: go to their website, take a look, and order yourself the best pecans I've ever tasted. I guarantee you won't be sorry! I actually ordered the Employee Appreciation Day Bundle (for me!), and it will only take three business days to be delivered! I cannot wait!

Here is the link to their website: https://fortunefavorsnuts.com/

So what are you waiting for? Trust me: you won't be sorry.

Recreating Christmas

 Brie always prides herself on getting people the perfect gift for Christmas. Her ultimate goal is to make them cry at her thoughtfulness. One Christmas she achieved this effect with me: though not in the way she expected 

This happened maybe 4 or 5 years ago. Instead of telling you about it: you can watch it unfold. I had forgotten that I have a YouTube channel. So I posted the actual video up there. Go to YouTube and search maxxtopher. It's entitled "The Funnist Christmas Present". Kitty filmed it since we filmed each of us opening presents that year. We thought that would be fun since 2020 had been such a rough year.

Enjoy and laugh with me: not at me! Merry Christmas!

A Halloween Memory

 I was talking to a co-worker today about Halloween. We were reminiscing about what we used to do when we were kids, and this one popped into my head. I haven't thought about it in so many years! But here we go:

My best friend Emily and I were freshmen in Junior High. One day in school we got the bright idea to actually go out for Halloween. The plan was for her mother to drop her off at my house and then pick her up later, as it was a school night. Oh, what mischief we were going to make!

She got to my house, and we snuck two eggs out of the carton. We carefully put them in our jacket pockets and told my mother we were going to a friend's house and would be back by nine. Then we skedaddled out of the house for a night of mayhem!

Surprisingly, it was very quiet that night in my neighborhood. We walked around and only saw a very few kids trick or treating. What were we going to do with the eggs that were burning a hole in our pockets? No clue. 

So after walking around aimlessly, we decided that we were hungry and would go knock on a random door to see if we could get any candy. We approached a nice house, knocked, said, "Trick or treat!" and then I realized we were at Bobby K's house! (remember, my elementary school crush???) And of course, he was the one to open the door and laughed. "Nice costumes!" he joked. I was mortified! Emily said, "Are you going to give us a treat?" and being the nice guy he was, he gave us each a big candy bar. "Have a nice night girls!" he said as he closed the door, chuckling. Ugh! Emily giggled at my mortification. "I hope he doesn't mention this at school tomorrow!"

We finished our treats and then headed for the junior high. "This night is a bust!" I complained. "And now Bobby thinks we're lame!" "So what?" Emily replied. "It's not like he's still on your list. You like Tom, and I like Bill." This was so true. "How about we throw the eggs at the school and then head back to your house. It's getting cold!" Sounded good to me.

So we speed walked the rest of the way to the school and there was no one around. We started walking up the long, wide driveway when Emily stopped, fishing around in her pockets. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Look what I have in my pocket!" She pulled out a box of sidewalk chalk. "Okay..." I said. "Let's write something on the driveway!" "Like what?" I asked. "How about 'we love Tom and Bill'?" "Are you kidding? People will know!" "No one knows. Come on: it will be a great prank!" "Well," I began, "I guess the condensation overnight and the dew will get rid of the letters. Let's do it!" And we did. When we were done, to us the letters looked as large as the Nazca Lines of Peru. But I wasn't worried: that pink and purple chalk would be gone by the time we got to school the next day. Before we left, we lamely threw our eggs into the road and went back to my house.

The next day at school she and I were upstairs talking to a couple of friends before first bell when someone came running up to us. "Have you seen what's in the school bus driveway?" "No, what?" "Come look out the window!" We did, and low and behold: the condensation and dew had NOT erased what Em and I had written! Big giant letters spelled out "we love Tom and Bill!!" in bright purple and pink chalk. Emily's face turned beet red and thankfully no one could tell that I was scandalized too! Our friend Robbin said, "Who do you think did it?" Emily babbled something non-sensical while I kept my mouth shut. "Hey Em, don't you like Bill?" She giggled. "Um...but how would I have gotten here to do that?" "Huh, you're right!" Robbin said. "Wonder how long before it washes away?" I said, "Maybe the janitors will get rid of it today!"

Those words stayed on that pavement for at least a good week. And every day we were reminded of how lame we were. I think I'm going to text Emily later today to see if she remembers! Happy Halloween! 💀👻