Unintentionally I found myself sucked into watching the latest "Bachelor" season. I hadn't meant to, because I had no clue why this particular man was chosen when he only made it to eighth place on the "Bachelorette". But one night Brie wasn't home and I didn't want to watch RAW so I tuned in about four episodes in, and was hooked because it was a train wreck, as usual. So formulaic! Each season they say, "This is the most dramatic show in the history of the franchise! Stay tuned for the most shocking finale in the history of the franchise!" And at the end of the day: it isn't really. Granted, on this show, the big lug told the two women he slept with in the Fantasy Suite that he was in love with them, and you're not supposed to do that. He also told them that he slept with each of them. Might not want to do that either! Then got mad at the third woman because she was upset that he told her he loved her, yet still slept with the other two and told them he was falling in love with them! Gee Susie: can't understand why you're mad when he loves you the most! And you could see it a mile away that he was going to end up with no one, which is what happened. Until the most shocking ending in Bachelor history happened: and Susie showed up at After the Final Rose to say she and Clayton were together and in love! Boo to that. And the two women he threw over are the new Bachelorettes and doing a season together. That only makes sense because they are BFFs now. Insert eye roll.
Anyhoo, if the network really wanted to give the audience something different, then the next Bachelorette should be...ME! That's right: I'd give them a season they'd never forget. And it would go a little something like this:
First of all, I have no idea how these contestants are able to get 2 months or more off from work without losing their jobs, unless they lost them before going on TV and are looking for a place to stay. After all, some shady and lascivious stuff happens on those shows. Now I don't want to lose all of my PTO being on this show, so they'd have to shoot around my work schedule. And that means we're not shooting at some high-end resort: nope, the contestants will have to stay at the Queensbury Hotel or the Georgian, which are nice local hotels. Dates will have to take place after my work day is done, and on the weekends.
So the first night I'd be all dolled up waiting for the limos to arrive. And here's how we're going to shorten the season: when each man steps out of the limo, if he is wearing one of those tight skinny suits with his ankles showing and dress shoes with no socks: he can turn around and get right back into that same limo. I despise that look. So that will eliminate some men right away. And if you're wearing some crazy costume to be funny or you think that's cute: you're gone too. I didn't get all dolled up for you to dress like a Viking.
Now I'm in the hotel with the lucky ones who made it inside. If you "steal me for a minute" (I hate that expression) and try to kiss me: you're out. I don't know you from Adam and I have no idea where your mouth has recently been. If you spend the evening drinking and bromancing, you're also out. Are you there to make friends or there for me, the grand prize? And for the record: I don't drink so your ability to outdrink the other gentlemen will not impress me. Now I don't have so many roses to hand out and will keep the extras for myself.
Don't expect fancy dates and such: we're on a time crunch. So no helicoptering off and such. That will have to wait until the weekend, if you're still there by then. We could do a Lake George cruise on the Lac, a hot air balloon ride, go horseback riding: that kind of thing. And when we go on a one on one and it's dinnertime: that dinner had better be edible. Have you noticed that they sit at this beautifully set table, but there's never any food? I want a nice meal! When (or if!) I give you that rose at the end of the date and we go into another room and there's one of my favorite musicians / singers (Sting? Chris Botti? Slim Man?), you'd better know how to really slow dance. None of this turning in a circle business, otherwise I might take the rose away! Or I might leave with Chris Botti and then the season is over.
On the group dates, we might have to go to Skyzone or Extreme sports or something like that and you all can use your testosterone and flex your muscles and compete for my affection, or the group date rose. If anyone gets too aggressive and purposely hurts someone though: you're out. Bullies don't impress me. Or maybe we could do something fun like have you write a poem or song about me and perform it. The inexpensive possibilities are endless in upstate New York! And no sleeping in on Sundays: you'll be going to church with me 🙏 If you don't go: you're out.
When it comes down to the final four, I will use a few vacation days to do hometowns. I certainly want to meet families, and I know they will love me! But when it comes to the last three guys, don't expect that Fantasy Suite to go how it usually does. Please: I have a reputation to uphold and why in the world would I want America to know my personal business where something like that is concerned? So plan on conversation and getting to know me that way. And don't forget the dark chocolate covered strawberries! But don't try to feed them to me unless you wash your hands first. I don't know where your hands have been!
When it's time for you to meet my family that will be easy. I'll only subject you to Kitty, Brie and Clancy. Good luck with that!
If you make it to the final two: be prepared to pick a really nice ring to propose to me. Of course I'll get proposed to! I'm a catch! Sorry we didn't get to go to Europe or the Caribbean, but again: I need my vacation time! But back to the ring: I already have a beautiful Neil Lane diamond ring. However, I'll certainly take another one. Emerald or pear please. NO YELLOW GOLD. White gold or platinum band, since ABC is footing the bill. 😊 Thank you.
Of course, there's a good chance no one will make it until the end because I'm picky. Or neither one will want to propose because I did all filming within a hundred mile radius and didn't sleep with them. But this will really let me know who's in it for me and who just wanted free vacations and liquor.
There you have it. The shortest and most inexpensive Bachelorette season in history. Now that's shocking! 😉
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