Comfortably Numb

 I was taking Kitty to the store the other day. After we got back in the car with our groceries, I turned on the radio. The song "Comfortably Numb" was on. "Mom, is this Pink Floyd?" Kitty asked. "It sure is!" I replied enthusiastically. "Cool."

I love Pink Floyd. I'm rather late to the party, as I've only been a major fan for four or five years. I used to be afraid of their music because people said it was 'head music', and I knew that meant drug music. I thought if I listened to it: I would do drugs, so I didn't listen. Yep: another one of my irrational fears. But I digress...

As we were driving home to that song, I started thinking about the past almost two years. I thought about things that had happened, and how I reacted to them. I thought about a couple of battles I still have to face. And as I thought about all of these things, it hit me: I have become 'comfortably numb'.

By this I mean usually when situations happen, you have a fight or flight reaction to them. Or you get emotional about them: cry, scream, throw yourself around the room or something. But I seem to have stopped doing any of that. What I do is internalize and handle the situation with no real feeling behind it: like a robot. Comfortably numb.

I am not saying this is a good thing. My girls tell me to let them in, tell them my feelings, talk about stuff but I don't want to. I tell them that it's my personal business and my personal feelings and I don't have to share them with anybody. Then they get mad and remind me that internalizing stuff isn't good for your health. You think I don't know that? But I can't just spew forth everything I'm feeling, because to me that's a sign of weakness. And I've had to be strong for so long by myself, that weakness is not an option for me.

I know that Pink Floyd is talking about a different kind of numbness, but I can identify. Only it isn't the good feeling like I'm sure they are speaking of. Drugs have never been an option. I just power through.

I'm listening to the song as I write this. How could I have ever been afraid of their music? The lyrics certainly let you know that this is a drug song, but the song isn't telling me to medicate myself. Seriously: I was a weird kid. Yet a drug-free kid!

Anyhoo, I know that I need to get out of this numbness. Sounds like a job for prayer. I have a wonderful friend who prays with me, and for me. Because at some point I want and need to join the world of the 'feeling' again. Amen.

Here is a painting that Kitty did for a friend, but they never picked it up. For some reason I love this picture, even though it is sad. But sometimes this perfectly depicts how I feel.