Even Me

 When you hear that someone has committed suicide, do you think, "Why? Suicide is the permanent solution to a temporary problem." I know that I do. But what most people don't know is that even I tried that once.

It was a lifetime ago, when I was married to the was-band (former husband). As you know, I don't talk about my failed marriage because what's the point? I have always been a strong person, but there was a time when this marriage almost broke me.

I remember that day with such clarity...I was on my knees in the bedroom crying because I saw no way out of my situation. I had prayed but couldn't hear God's voice. We had a very sharp butcher knife and I held it in my right hand. Even though my own belief is that suicide is a sin, I was unable to live the life that I was anymore. There was too much pain; and thinking about living another day was excruciating. So I took the knife, held out my left arm, and slashed my left wrist.

Nothing happened. I looked at the knife, felt the blade: yep, it was the correct butcher knife. I tried again, slashing vertically...

And again...nothing. Then I took the knife and started sawing at the vein. It's hard to explain but it was like there was a film or something over my wrist. I threw the knife. "Are you kidding me!?" I yelled. "Just let me do this!" But as you can tell, God had other ideas. 

As I look back over the years, I can see reasons why God spared me. He knew that others would need me to be around for them: most especially Kitty and Brie. Friends that went through difficult times and needed me for a shoulder or a laugh. My family when my father died. My family again when Robin died. And Marie...

Even if you can't see beyond your own pain, God can. If you don't believe in God talk to me: I can tell you about a whole lot of miracles that only He could have made happen. And when you get help, and look back, you'll see that the problem was temporary. And like me: I hope you'll be glad that you didn't take the permanent solution.

Amen.