It Isn't About Blood

I grew up in what you could call a nice traditional 2-parent family. I had siblings, and we were well provided for.  My father had a good job which enabled my mother to enjoy being a housewife and mother. We went on vacations and enjoyed holidays.  But even from a young age, for some reason I had a feeling of being on the outside looking in. I didn’t feel as connected as I should have felt as a member of the family.  So I decided that when I got older, I was going to create my own new family.

That idea seemed like a good one. I had friends at school, and they became my school family. I’ve always attended church, so those people became my church family. I loved them, but it still never felt quite right. So the new plan was once I got older and married, I’d find a new family that way.

Eventually I did meet someone that I married, but…I definitely didn’t fit in with that family! We didn’t share any of the same views on child raising, employment, family values or have anything in common.  Here’s an example of what they thought was a good way to live: "don’t work, just have kids and get on Social Services because they’ll pay for everything!"  Maybe a good way for his sisters, but not for me. So my dreams of shared holidays, family vacations and family fun night died just like the marriage ultimately did. 

In 2000 I met someone that I thought had great potential to give me a new family.  He had parents and sisters and a niece and nephew.  However, even though we became engaged, it still wasn’t right. His sisters were nice, I adored his niece and nephew, but his parents were none too pleased that he was dating a woman of color. No shared holidays there!

I loved my daughters, and if it was going to be just the three of us: so be it. We loved being together, traveling and doing girly things.  We were, and still are, a tight family unit.

But what I hadn’t been noticing as I searched for a new family was that I’d been accumulating: kids.  Friends of Brie’s that had family problems, or no relationship with their own parents, would come to my house for a meal, or to spend the night, and in a couple of instances to stay for extended periods. They’d call to talk to me or ask advice.  They were looking for family, and my little family apparently fit their bill.

Then a year ago, I was introduced to a young man that has become close to Brie. It was New Year’s Eve and we were at a club that a very close friend of ours owned. She told me that she was going to go get Bubby so I could meet him. I watched her approach him and then point me out. I saw the look on his face, and it looked like he’d seen a ghost or wanted to run for the hills. Regardless, she brought him to me and I shook his hand; and there was a very weird vibe that passed between us.  When my daughters and I were leaving for the night we saw him outside and I went over to say goodbye. “Can I have a hug?” he tentatively asked.  So I gave him one, and again felt that weird vibe.

As it turns out, he comes from a family of 4 siblings.. Their mother died 5 years ago, leaving them in a state of emotional loss. He was very close to his mother so it hit him especially hard. As I have gotten to know these 4 lovely young adults, my heart has totally opened up to them.  We get together at the father’s house to talk (or for me to bring food!), Sunday is becoming family game night, and I love them almost as much as I love Brie and Kitty. We bonded so quickly, there wasn’t any time for awkwardness. Even as young adults, they still craved a mother’s love and I was searching for an extended family to love.

As for that weird look on his face when he saw me: he recently told me that he was startled because when he looked at me, he felt something that he hadn’t since his mother died. I took that as a wonderful compliment.

I believe that God works in mysterious ways.  While I thought that I was supposed to marry and have a new family that way, God played to my strengths and brought me what I love the most: kids! It doesn’t matter that they’re above the age of consent. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t give birth to them.  All that matters is that when we’re all together: I feel like I’m home. And through my new “kids”, I’ve learned that family isn’t about blood: it’s about love.  That’s the tie that binds hearts together.