Baby Girl

I got to work this morning and was feeling okay.  For the most part I'm enjoying learning my new job, even though I wish I already knew everything.  The cubes around me are basically empty, since we went from 11 people to 5 1/2 (don't ask) and only 3 of us are in the office right now.  The other 2 sit in another area, so I'm alone like an island. 

After awhile I began to feel a little down.  I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong, so I ran down a few things:

• Bills - paid for now.
• Cash - I have some.
• Health - feeling okay.
• Girls - good.
• Weight - going down.
• Work - got my job!
• Friends - I'm being more social.

So what could the problem be?  I just couldn't figure it out.  We had a Toastmasters meeting and that was fun.  But by the time I left work I was just plain sad.  I was trying not to cry on the way home because I had to stop at Hannaford, but I was seriously puzzled.

I went into the store to get dinner fixins, then had to go back into the store because I forgot Brie's cheese spread.  But finally I was back in the car and leaving the parking lot when it hit me: this was the day, many, many years ago, that I lost a baby.

It was January 1982 and due to my living circumstances and health not being that great, I had a miscarriage.  My body just wasn't strong enough to carry the baby.  I remember getting to the hospital and hearing the chatter around me; and the worst thing I heard was how the doctor and nurse described the miscarriage as the body's "spontaneous abortion".  I cried and cried.  Even though I hadn't been that far along, I know that little baby was a girl and I mourned for her.  Thank God Brie, who was only a year, was up here visiting my parents while I was downstate.

Not many people know that story.  And it had been getting easier over these many years, but for some reason today hit me really hard.  Maybe because Brie just had her birthday last week.  Maybe because I've been feeling nostalgic lately.  Or maybe because I've been thinking a lot about my life and what I'm going to do to make myself happier and more prosperous.

But regardless, when I think about my baby girl, I imagine that she's with my father because he always loved my daughters.  Even the one he didn't get to meet in life.

Not the lightest post to begin 2012, but trust me: better things are coming!